Dude, Where's my Arm?
Written by Anakin McFly
Chapter One
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
Luke: What's that, dude?
Obi-Wan: It's a lightsaber, dude!
Luke: EXCELLENT! Can I try it out?
Obi-Wan: Sure, dude! (Passes Luke the lightsaber)
(Luke swings the lightsaber around and chops off Obi's arm)
Luke: Oops. Sorry, dude.
Obi-Wan: It doesn't matter, dude! I've still got another!
Luke: YEAH! *pause* But tell you what, dude! Since you don't have your arm any more, want to share mine?
(Luke swings the lightsaber again, chops off his own arm, slices it in two and passes one half to Obi-Wan.)
Obi-Wan: Thanks, dude! *attempts to stick arm on*
Luke: *attempts to restick his arm on*
Obi-Wan: *uses the Force to stick his arm on*
Luke: How'd you do that, dude?
Obi-Wan: I used the Force!
Luke: EXCELLENT!
(Long pause)
Luke: Uh... what is the Force?
Obi-Wan: No one can be told what the Force is. You have to see it for yourself.
Luke: Huh?
Obi-Wan: Oh, sorry. That's the Matrix. The Force is... the Force ah... wait a minute, dude! I'll go check the dictionary!
Luke: Yeah!
Obi-Wan: *comes back with a dictionary and flips to 'force'* Dude.
Luke: What?
Obi-Wan: The definition sure is long.
Luke: Yeah.
Obi-Wan: Never mind, dude! I'll go get my science textbook instead!
Luke: YEAH!
Obi-Wan: *comes back with a science textbook and flips* Okay, look! A force can be a push or a pull! We learnt something today!
Both: EXCELLENT! *air guitar*
Luke: Okay, so what do we do now, dude?
Obi-Wan: I don't know, dude!
Luke: Tell me a story!
Obi-Wan: Okay!
(Long pause)
Luke: Well?
Obi-Wan: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, there were two dudes, named Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker.
Luke: Hey! How come your name's first, dude?
Obi-Wan: Because I'm older, dude!
Luke: So?
Obi-Wan: And I'm taller, dude!
Luke: So?
Obi-Wan: And I'm smarter, dude!
Luke: Oh. Okay.
Obi-Wan: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, there were two dudes, named Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker. One day, they were sitting in a cave with one-and-a-half arms each and telling stories!
Luke: EXCELLENT! It sounds just like us, dude!
Obi-Wan: Yeah! So, one day, while they were telling stories, a Tusken raider ran in!
(Tusken raider runs in)
Luke: *stares* How'd you know that, dude?
Obi-Wan: Mmm, strange are the ways of the Force.
Tusken Raider: Excuse me, is this Joe's Pizza Place? I would like to order an extra large pepperoni pizza for my pals back there...
Obi-Wan: *waves hand* This is not Joe's Pizza Place.
Tusken Raider: *in a trance* This is not Joe's Pizza Place.
Obi-Wan: *waves hand* There is no pizza here.
Tusken Raider: *in a trance* There is no pizza here.
Obi-Wan: *waves hand* You are a stupid idiot.
Tusken Raider: *in a trance* I am a stupid idiot.
Obi-Wan: *waves hand* You have the ability to fart nonstop.
Tusken Raider: *in a trance* I have the ability to fart nonstop. *farts nonstop*
Obi-Wan: *pinching nose and waving hands* You stink and should get out of here.
Tusken Raider: *in a smelly trance* I stink and should get out of here.
(The Tusken raider heads towards the exit but trips over Obi's decapitated arm and crashes into the cave wall, blacking out and still farting nonstop in his unconscious state.)
Luke: DUDE! Why'd you do that for? This place STINKS!
Obi-Wan: *pinching nose* Sorry dude. Let's get out of here.
Luke: Yeah.
(They get out. Suddenly, a Tatooine postal van drives up and the postman gets out.)
Postman: Excuse me, dude, but are you Luke Skywalker?
Luke: Yeah!
Postman: Well, I got a letter for you.
Luke: Really? EXCELLENT! *grabs letter*
Obi-Wan: What's it say, dude?
Luke: "Eat at Joe's".
Obi-Wan: *stares*
Luke: *stares*
Obi-Wan: *stares*
Luke: *stares*
Postman: Um, dudes, I think the message is on the other side. (Leaves)
Luke: *flips paper over* Oh.
Obi-Wan: So what's it say, dude?
Luke: "Wake up Luke. The Matrix has you. Follow the short green dude. Knock knock, Luke."
Obi-Wan: Well?
Luke: I don't know, dude!
Obi-Wan: Look! There's more!
Luke: "Go to Dagobah or else. All expenses paid."
Obi-Wan: Well? So are you going?
Luke: Of course, dude! All expenses paid! I'm going on a holiday!
Obi-Wan: What about me, dude?
Luke: You're staying here, dude!
Obi-Wan: Why?
Luke: Because you're too old, dude! You might not survive the journey!
Obi-Wan: So?
Luke: And you're too tall! You might not fit into the spaceship!
Obi-Wan: So?
Luke: And you're too smart! You'll make me look dumb!
Obi-Wan: But you ARE dumb, dude!
Luke: *scratches head* Oh. Yeah. *pause* But you're still not coming, dude!
Obi-Wan: Why?
Luke: Because it says so in the script!
Obi-Wan: What script?
Luke: 'Dude, Where's My Arm?'
Obi-Wan: Oh.
(A Concorde space shuttle puts down behind them and the pilot steps out.)
Pilot: Are you Luke Skywalker?
Luke: Yup!
Pilot: Your transport to Dagobah is waiting, dude!
Luke: Really? EXCELLENT! Bye Obi!
Obi-Wan: Bye! Come back soon!
Luke: Okay!
Pilot: You want to take that old guy along too? We've got room for two.
Luke: Really? Okay then, come on Obi!
Obi-Wan: We can have a holiday together!
Luke & Obi-Wan: EXCELLENT!
Chapter Two
(The Concorde plane puts down on Dagobah. Luke and Obi-Wan get out, ignoring the pleas for help from the pilot as the plane sinks into the swamp.)
Luke: So what do we do now, dude?
Obi-Wan: Look for the short green dude, of course!
Luke: Yeah!
(They head into the forest)
Luke: Sure is dark in here, dude!
Obi-Wan: Want some light?
Luke: Okay!
(Obi-Wan ignites his lightsaber and swings it around)
Luke: OW!
Obi-Wan: What, dude?
Luke: You chopped off my arm, dude!
Obi-Wan: The half one or the whole one?
Luke: The whole one, dude!
Obi-Wan: Oh Sorry, dude. Want half of mine?
Luke: Okay.
(Obi-Wan chops off his whole arm, splits it in two and passes one half to Luke.)
Luke: Thanks, dude!
Obi-Wan: *re-sticks arm with the Force*
Luke: *sticks arm on with Superglue*
Obi-Wan: Okay! So where do we go now, dude?
Luke: Dunno. Let's try this way, dude!
Obi-Wan: Yeah!
Luke: Can you lend me you lightsaber? It's not bright enough here.
Obi-Wan: Okay! *hands Luke the lightsaber*
Luke: *swings lightsaber and accidentally chops off Obi's head*
Obi-Wan: OW!
Luke: Oops. Sorry, dude.
Obi-Wan: It doesn't matter, dude! There was nothing in there anyway!
Luke: Yeah! *pause* But tell you what, dude! I'll give you half of mine!
(Luke swings the lightsaber and chops off his own head. He slices it in two and passes the bottom half to Obi.)
Obi-Wan: *sticks head on with the Force* Thanks, dude!
Luke: *voice sounds strangely muffled* Your welcome, dude! *re-sticks head on*
Obi-Wan: But why'd you get the top half, dude?
Luke: Because I need my brains, dude!
Obi-Wan: You have brains?
Luke: *thinks* Actually, no. You want the top half then?
Obi-Wan: Nah, you can keep it, dude!
Luke: Thanks!
(They walk on a while more before Luke realizes something.)
Luke: Hey, dude!
Obi-Wan: What?
Luke: I realized something, dude!
Obi-Wan: What?
Luke: You're supposed to be dead, dude!
Obi-Wan: Really? How'd you know, dude?
Luke: It says so in the script!
Obi-Wan: What script?
Luke: The Empire Strikes Back, dude!
Obi-Wan: BOGUS.
Luke: Well?
Obi-Wan: Okay then. Thanks for your arm and your head. I'll miss you, dude!
Luke: Me too, dude!
Obi-Wan: *dies*
Luke: Bogus.
(Luke uses the lightsaber to chop off Obi's body parts, sticking them onto himself until he is whole again. He walks a little more, when he sees a small house in the distance. He goes up to it and knocks.)
Luke: Short green dude, short green dude, let me in!
Yoda: Not by the hairs of my chinny-chin-chin!
Luke: Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!
Yoda: NOOOOOOOOOOO! *opens door and looks at Luke* Hiya dude!
Luke: Hi!
Yoda: Going, how is it?
Luke: EXCELLENT!
Yoda: Want to come in, do you, dude?
Luke: Yeah! *goes in*
(Yoda puts on a pair of star-shaped sunglasses, gets a guitar and strums while Luke dances along to a jazzed up version of 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star'. Halfway through, Obi's voice reverberates through the room.)
Obi-Wan: Hiya dudes!
Luke: Obi-Wan! I thought you died, dude!
Obi-Wan: I did!
Luke: AAH! I hear dead people! NOOOOOOOO!
Yoda: Dude, save that for later, you must.
Luke: Huh?
Yoda: Need that 'NOOOOOOOO!', you will, later on.
Luke: Oh. Okay, dude.
Obi-Wan: So can I join the party?
L: But you're dead, dude!
Obi-Wan: Oh. Yeah.
Luke: So what'd we do now?
Obi-Wan: I dunno. *long pause* Hey dudes, have you heard of this dude named Darth Vader?
Luke: You mean the evil dude who wants to take over the world?
Obi-Wan: : Yeah! He was my student once, dude! They called him... The One.
Luke: I thought Jet Li was The One.
Yoda: No, The One, Neo is.
Luke: Huh?
Obi-Wan: Forget it, dude! Anyway, I heard that he broke the record for farting non-stop! He can do that for THREE HOURS at a go!
Luke: EXCELLENT! That's even longer than the Tusken Raider dude!
Yoda: Smelly, he must be.
Obi-Wan: He is. I've smelt him.
Luke: Oh.
Obi-Wan: One more thing, dude! I've heard that this dude named Han Solo is in trouble! D'you know him?
Luke: Nope.
Obi-Wan: There's also this dudette named Leia who's in trouble. D'you know her?
Luke: No, dude! *pause* Is she pretty?
Obi-Wan: Yup!
Luke: Okay then! I'll save her, dude!
(Luke runs out of the house and jumps into his X-Wing, which has magically appeared.)
Luke: Bye, dudes!
Obi-Wan & Yoda: Bye!
(The X-Wing lifts off ground)
Luke: To infinity... and back again!
(The X-Wing zooms off into space.)
Obi-Wan: Well, dude, there he goes.
Yoda: Dude, party now, we can.
Both: EXCELLENT!
(Yoda takes out a crate of beer. Obi-Wan's spirit appears, and the two drink and make merry into the night.)
Chapter Three
(Luke's X-Wing flies around in space. Bored, he starts to sing 'The Song That Never Ends' a few hundred times when he suddenly realises that his ship is not yet in hyperspace. He activates the hyperdrive, and the ship speeds off. Not much later, a wormhole appears...)
Luke: Dude, it's a wormhole! AAAAAAAAAH!!!!
(Luke's ship enters the wormhole, when all of a sudden the worm of the wormhole appears.)
Luke: Dude, it's a worm! AAAAAAAAAH!!!!
(Luke suddenly makes an amazing revelation.)
Luke: Dude, I'm talking to myself! I'm going crazy! AAAAAAAAAH!!!
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Meanwhile...
(Darth Vader is by his computer, wearing his asthma inhaler and playing Star Wars: Rogue Squadron. Onscreen, Darth Vader appears and shoots him down.)
Darth Vader: BOGUS! I just committed suicide, dude!
P.A. System: Dude Vader, you are required to report to the Secret Room immediately. And party on, dude.
(Darth Vader goes to the Secret Room, wherever that is.)
Darth Vader: What's going on, dude?
Random Person: It's the cottoniser, dude! (He clicks something and a hologram of a large bolster appears.)
Darth Vader: A bolster?
Random Person: Yup! But if you turn it this way... *clicks and image turns 90 degrees* It looks just like a Death Star, dude!
Darth Vader: EXCELLENT! So how's it work, dude?
Random Person: I dunno, dude!
(Darth Vader kills the random person with the Force.)
Darth Vader: Once again, how's it work, dude?
Random Person #2: We were just about to try it out on the planet Alderaan, dude!
Darth Vader: It's Alderan.
Random Person #2: Alderaan!
RP#3: Elderon!
Darth Vader: Alderan!
Random Person #2: It's ALDERAAN! Look, dude! *takes out a random Star Wars guidebook*
Darth Vader: Oh, fine. Bring out the prisoner, dude!
Random Person #2: Sure, dude!
(Random Person #2 takes out a hamster. The hamster bites him.)
Random Person #2: OW!
Darth Vader: (to hamster) Dude, you dare bite my men? Let's see how you fare against the most triumphant power of the Force!
(Darth Vader raises a finger and bends it. The hamster squeaks in terror and falls dead.)
Darth Vader: MUAHAHAHAHA!
Random Person #2: You killed the prisoner, dude!
Darth Vader: That was the prisoner?
Random Person #2: Yeah, dude! That was a resident of the planet Alderaan!
Darth Vader: That was a resident of the planet Alderaan?
Random People: APRIL FOOL!
Darth Vader: It's not April, dude!
Random Person #2: It is, dude! *takes out the Star Wars guidebook* See?
Darth Vader: Oh, fine. Bring out the real prisoner, dude!
Random Person #3: At once, dude!
(Random Person #3 drags out Princess Leia. She kicks him in the stomach, causing his urine to squirt out.)
Random Person #3: OW! *falls down, dead, still holding Leia. It's called the 'Dead Man's Grip'.*
Darth Vader: Dude, who gave you permission to have a toilet break?
Dead hamster: Me, dude!
Darth Vader: You're dead, dude! You can't talk!
Dead Hamster: Oh. Yeah.
Darth Vader: Is that the princess?
Random Person #2: Yeah, dude!
Darth Vader: Funny... she looks more like Carrie Fisher to me... *looks at Random Person #3* And stand straight, dude! You're on TV!
Random Person #3: Dude, I'm dead. I can't stand.
Darth Vader: If you can talk, you can stand, dude!
(Random Person#3 stands. Leia kicks him again, causing him to fart non-stop for two hours running, while DV times him.)
A while later...
Darth Vader: Hah! Two, miserable hours. You will never beat me, dude! I can fart the longest in the galaxy! MUAHAHAHAHA!
(Darth Vader farts non-stop for 5 hours. Everybody including him faints and falls down.)
5 hours later...
Darth Vader: Okay, dude. So... are you going to tell me the location of the secret Rebel base?
Leia: No way, dude!
Darth Vader: Yes way!
Leia: No way!
Darth Vader: And why not, dude?
Leia: BECAUSE YOU KILLED MY HAMSTER! *bursts into tears*
Darth Vader: Oh, great. Why did this have to happen, dude? WHO WAS THE IDIOT WHO WROTE THIS SCRIPT?
Anakin McFly: Live with it, dude. This was inspired by two dude movies and Spaceballs. What d'you expect?
Leia: YOU KILLED MY HAMSTER!
Random Person #4: I am your hamster!
Leia: NOOOOOOOOO...
Darth Vader: SHUT UP!!! Stop crying or I'll cottonise your planet, dude!
(Leia stops crying.)
Leia: No... not my planet... don't cottonise... NOOOOOOOOOO...
(Darth Vader clicks something. A jet of whitish stuff comes out from the giant Death Star bolster and hits the planet Alderaan, which then gets covered in cotton.)
Leia: NOOOOOOOOOO... How dare you, dude? *pulls off Darth Vader's asthma inhaler*
Darth Vader: AAH! *jumps around* I can't breathe, dude! I can't breath! I can't... hey, what d'you know? I CAN breathe! Give me that!
(Darth Vader snatches his asthma inhaler and puts it back on.)
Chapter Four
(Luke Skywalker fires at the worm of the wormhole. It shrivels and DIES.)
Luke: EXCELLENT!
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Meanwhile...
(Leia kicks Dude Vader, he falls down, she runs off to an escape pod and flies away to Tatooine.)
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Meanwhile...
(Han feels bored and flies to Cloud City, where he meets Lando Calrissan.)
Han: Hiya dude!
Lando: Yeah!
Han: So what shall we do now?
Lando: I dunno, but a most excellent dude came today and wants to see you!
Han: Okay!
(They walk into a room where Vader is sitting.)
Han: Hiya dude!
Darth Vader: Hi! I've got a dare for you, dude!
Han: What?
Darth Vader: Freeze yourself in carbonite and get flown to Jabba the Hutt! If you survive, you win $25,000!
Han: EXCELLENT!
Lando: It's just like Fear Factor, dude!
Darth Vader: Yeah!
Han: So where's the carbonite, dude?
Darth Vader: Here!
(They vanish suddenly and reappear in the carbonite freezing place.)
Han: Wow. How'd we get here, dude?
Darth Vader: Strange are the ways of the Force.
Han: Oh. Yeah, dude, it's really strange. There's all this stuff about friction and energy and moments and...
Darth Vader: Get on with it, dude! I passed my science, you know!
Random person: You did?
Darth Vader: Shut up.
(Han jumps into the carbonite pit and gets frozen. Darth/Dude Vader delivers him to Jabba via FedEx.)
Darth Vader: MUAHAHAHAHA!
#
(The following is in Huttese.)
Random Palace Guard: Hey Jabba dude! Someone just sent you a birthday present!
Jabba the Hutt: EXCELLENT! What is it, dude?
Random Palace Guard: A dude frozen in carbonite!
Jabba the Hutt: Bogus. I keep getting those. Just put it away for me, dude.
Random Palace Guard: At once, Jabba the Dude!
Jabba the Hutt: It's HUTT.
Random Palace Guard: Sorry dude.
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(Leia crash lands onto Jabba's palace. Dazed, she walks around inside when she sees Han with a lot of pretty buttons next to him. She jabs one and Han suddenly starts to melt.)
Leia: Oops. Wrong button, dude.
(Han steps out.)
Han: Hey, where's that dude gone?
Leia: What?
Han: That dude with the Darth Vader mask and the black dress.
Leia: Dunno.
Han: NOOOOOO! HE STIFFED ME! I WANT MY $25,000... *breaks down and cries*
Leia: *stares*
(Suddenly, an evil laugh reverberates through the room.)
Voice: HOHOHOHOHO!
Han: *stops crying*
Voice: HOHOHOHOHO!
Han: Wait... I know that laugh...
Voice: HOHOHOHOHO!
Han: SANTA CLAUS!
(Santa comes through the doorway.)
Santa: HOHOHOHOHO!
Han: NOOOOOOO! You didn't give me the teddy bear I asked for when I was four! DIE, EVIL DUDE!
(Han takes out his blaster and shoots the bugger.)
Santa: HOHOHOH... *dies*
Han & Leia: EXCELLENT!
Chapter Five
(While Han and Leia are grabbing all the Christmas presents off the dead Santa Claus that they can carry, somehow or other Luke finally arrives at Tatooine. At the same time, C-3PO and R2-D2 are wandering somewhere in the desert. Also at the same time, the author realizes that this fic's timeline is seriously messed up, because for some strange reason Leia has already set Han free. Hmm. Strange are the ways of the Force...)
R2-D2: (translated) Where are we, dude?
C-3PO: I dunno, dude!
R2-D2: (translated) Bogus.
(The two droids wander around awhile more.)
R2-D2: (translated) Where are we now, dude?
C-3PO: I dunno, dude!
R2-D2: (translated) Dude, you are one stupid dude.
C-3PO: Huh?
(R2-D2 whacks C-3PO on the head and trundles happily over to Jabba's palace using his interiorly-installed satellite system. He stares up at the big palace door for a while, when some eye thing pokes out. R2-D2 pokes it in the eye, and with strength no one could ever guess he had, bashes up the door and enters. The author now takes some time off to wonder exactly where in the Star Wars timeline all this is happening. Hmm. Didn't the droids arrive BEFORE Leia set Han free? Hmm. Ah well.)
R2-D2: (translated) Greetings, Jabba the Dude.
Jabba: (translated) It's HUTT!
R2-D2: (translated) Whatever, dude. And since when could you understand me without a translator?
Jabba: (in perfect English) Dude, that is, like, totally none of your business, dude!
Random people: HE SPEAKS ENGLISH?
Jabba: YEAH, DUDES! Isn't that, like, most excellent?
(Half the people in the room yell: "EXCELLENT!" and the other half yell: "BOGUS!" Yet another half does nothing at all. Yes, I know that's too many halves, but that's because Jabba has a lot of people in his palace, see? Excellent.)
R2-D2: *shows the hologram thing*
Jabba: Like, who's that, dude?
R2-D2: Some Jedi named Luke Skywalker, dude!
Jabba: *squints* Like, he looks like Mark Hamill to me, dude.
R2-D2: Yeah, well too bad, dude. You're not getting his autograph.
(Luke suddenly walks in via the bashed up door and all eyes turn to him.)
Jabba: DUDE! Can I, like, have your autograph, like, PLEASE? I'm your, like, Number #1 fan, dude! I think you're, like, the most excellent dude ever lived, dude! I promise I, like, won't kill you, dude! And can you, like, marry me?
Luke: o.O
R2-D2: Dude, this isn't a slash fic.
Jabba: Like, who cares, dude? *ignores R2* *screams hysterically and bounces up and down in excitement squishing a bunch of people in the process*
Anakin McFly: *ups the rating*
Luke: *decides this is a very good time to leave*
Jabba: LIKE, DON'T GO, DUDE! NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Luke: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *runs out the bashed up door panicking*
(A bunch of miscellaneous fangirls appear out of nowhere, and join Jabba in chasing after Luke. All of a sudden, the wormhole worm appears out of nowhere and eats them up with the exception of Luke. It didn't die, after all...)
Luke: Bogus.
(Han and Leia run out of the building, clutching the Christmas presents)
Han: Hey dude, who's that?
(The two of them bend down to look at Luke)
Leia: I don't know, dude! He looks human...
Han: He smells human, dude!
Leia: He sounds human, dude!
Han: He tastes human, dude!
(Leia gives him a really strange look.)
Han: APRIL FOOL! *laughs hysterically and spits out bits of Luke*
Leia: It's not April, dude!
Han: Oh yes it is, dude! *takes out the Star Wars guidebook and shows her*
Leia: Oh.
Han: HAH! That means I'm smarter than you, dude! Excellent!
Leia: Bogus.
(Inside, R2-D2 is too busy taking over the world – starting with Jabba's palace – to care about anything else)
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