Dude, Where's My Nimbus Two Thousand?
Written by Anakin McFly
Chapter One
Once upon a time...
Ron: Hey dudes! I'm bored! Let's go for a walk!
Harry & Hermione: Yeah!
(They walk around and suddenly see Mrs. Norris lying on the ground)
Ron: What happened, dude?
Harry: I don't know, dude! I think she's dead!
Ron & Harry: EXCELLENT!
Hermione: Oh no she's not! Dudes, she's been Petrified!
Ron: No way, dude!
Hermione: Yes way!
(Argus Filch appears)
Argus Filch: You killed my cat, dude!
Harry: We didn't, dude!
Ron: Yeah! It's not dead, it's Petrified! I think.
Argus Filch: So you DID kill my cat!
Harry: Huh?
(Rest of students and Dumbledore arrive)
Dumbledore: What happened, dudes?
Argus Filch: They killed my cat, dude!
Dumbledore: I'm not a dude, dude!
Argus Filch: Course you are, dude!
Dumbledore: Oh, fine.
Ron: Hey dude, look! There's writing on the wall! Someone's been vandalizing school property, dude!
Dumbledore: "The Chamber of Secrets has been opened... so party on, dudes!"
Students: EXCELLENT!
Dumbledore: That's not all... it says here, "Enemies of the Dude, beware!" Hmmm...
Ron: Hey dude! Let's check it out!
Har: Yeah!
Dumbledore: No way dudes! You're not allowed in there!
Ron, Harry and Hermione: Why, dude?
Dumbledore: Because I say so, dudes!
Ron, Harry and Hermione: So?
Dumbledore: And I'm the HEADMASTER, dudes!
Ron, Harry and Hermione: Aw, man!
Dumbledore: And don't call me dude!
Ron: Sure, dude!
(Suddenly, a snake appears out of nowhere)
Harry to snake: Hey dude! Get outta here!
(Snake leaves)
Everyone else: *gasp*
Ron: Why didn't you tell me you could speak Parseltongue, dude?
Harry: I can?
Ron: Yeah, dude! Didn't you see? Now everyone's going to think you're the Dude of Slytherin or something!
Ron & Harry: EXCELLENT!
Hermione: Yeah! Then we can go check out the Chamber of Secrets, right? Because if you ARE the Dude of Slytherin, you won't have to beware:
Ron, Harry & Hermione: EXCELLENT!
Ron: Let's go, dudes!
Chapter Two
(Harry, Hermione and Ron are in the toilet looking for clues because it is the most private place in the school and they don't want anyone knowing what they're up to. Suddenly, while looking in a certain toilet bowl, Hermione sees a pair of big yellow eyes and falls dead to the ground. )
Ron: Hey dude, what happened?
Harry: I don't know dude. I think she died!
Both: BOGUS...
(They stare at each other for about half an hour before simultaneously yelling out the obvious.)
Both: IT'S IN THE TOILET, DUDE!
Ron: We found the Chamber of Secrets!
Harry: Yeah! But how're we going to get in?
Ron: Through the toilet, of course!
Harry: But what if whatever's down there kills us, dude?
Ron: Good question, dude! We better take precautions.
(Ron urinates into the toilet and flushes. A yell of pain is heard below.)
Both: EXCELLENT!
Harry: Let's go, dude! (They lower themselves into the toilet and flush)
Both: WOOAAAAAHHHHHH...
(Soon, they reach an opening in the pipes and land straight on the Basilisk's head, killing it instantly.)
Both: EXCELLENT!
Tom Riddle: You killed my Basilisk! No way dudes!
Harry & Ron: Yes way!
Tom: That's not supposed to happen, dudes! It's not in the script!
Harry & Ron: Well, too bad then, dude.
Tom: Expelliarmus, dude! (Harry and Ron's wands fly towards him.)
Harry & Ron: No way!
Tom: Yes way! (Points Ron's wand at the two of them.) Avada Kedavra, dudes!
(Ron's wand backfires as usual, killing Tom.)
Harry & Ron: EXCELLENT!
(They get out of the toilet bowl, and find the whole school staring at them.)
Misc. student: Oops. I just peed into that toilet.
Ron: Dudes, the bad guy is DEAD! So PARTY ON, DUDES!
School: EXCELLENT!
Chapter Three
McGonagall: Hiya student dudes, and welcome to the Hogwash... er Hogwarts School of Witchcraft, Wizardry and General Dudeism!
Students: EXCELLENT!
McGonagall: You shall be sorted in to the four different houses, where you will live, sleep, and possibly die. If you do excellent stuff you will be rewarded with points, and if you do bad stuff your points will be, duh, taken away. Any questions?
Students: No!
Miscellaneous Student: ... sir!
McGonagall: ALL RIGHT! WHO SAID THAT?
Miscellaneous Student: Me sir! Napoleon!
McGonagall: *puzzled look* I thought he was dead!
Miscellaneous Student: Really? Bogus...
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We shall now skip to the first potions class.
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(Harry is drawing something at his table)
Snape: PAY ATTENTION, POTTER, YOU CRUSTY SLIMEBAG!
Harry: What? *tries desperately to hide his drawing of the Powerpuff Girls*
Snape: WHAT'S THAT? *lunges at drawing and grabs it* Ooh, the Powerpuff Girls... I LOVE 'EM! Excellent drawing, dude! Can I keep it?
Harry: Uh, I suppose so...
Snape: *holding up drawing* Hey dudes, look at this! Ain't it wonderful?
Students: YEAH!
Snape: Right! Let's spend the rest of the lesson drawing! *Takes out stationery and begins detailed sketch of random Sesame Street characters*
Students: EXCELLENT!
(Malfoy draws a picture of the Teletubbies, Professor Snape's favourite show. Snape ditches Harry's drawing and takes that instead. Harry fumes. Malfoy sticks his tongue out at him.)
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We shall now skip to the first Quidditch match of the season. Or was it the second? I'm feeling too lazy to dig out the book.
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(A while after the game starts, Harry suddenly finds his Nimbus Two Thousand jerking up and down and doing the Macarena. (Don't ask me how that's possible.) Hermione and Ron notice something going on. Hermione sees Snape with his eyes fixed on the broom; Ron sees Quirrell with his eyes also on the broom.)
Hermione: Dude, Snape's jinxing the broom!
Ron: No, dude! It's Quirrell who's jinxing the broom!
Hermione: Dude, it's Snape!
Ron: No, dude! It's Quirrell!
Hermione: Dude, it's Snape!
Ron: No, dude! It's Quirrell!
(Their argument goes on for another 3 minutes or so. Harry's broom gets sick of the Macarena and starts doing the Hokey Pokey. (It's magic.))
Hermione: Dude, it's Snape!
Ron: No, dude! It's Quirrell!
Hermione: Dude, I bet you five Sickles it's Snape.
Ron: Bet you two Knuts it's Quirrell.
Hermione: Only?
Ron: Dude, I'm broke!
Hermione: Fine! I'll go distract Snape and see what happens. If Harry's broom gets ok, you owe me 5 Sickles!
Ron: Go ahead then, dude, if that's what you...
Harry: OI! Can SOMEBODY do SOMETHING?
Hermione: I'm coming! Hermione Granger to the rescue! *Superman music plays in background*
(Hermione runs over to where the teachers are sitting. She pushes one, and the rest of the teachers fall over like dominoes. Harry's broom stops moving in the middle of some weird Hawaiian dance, and he gets back on.)
Harry: I wonder if I can get insurance for this...
(Suddenly, Harry spots the Snitch and flies after it. Marcus Flint also sees it and they chase each other round and round the pitch. Marcus Flint crashes into a Quidditch pole and Hermione puts a Superglue curse on him, i.e. he finds himself glued up there. Harry turns to watch, and when he turns around something hits him hard in the mouth. All his teeth fall out, and he falls to the ground, gasping for air.)
School: *gasp* HE'S GONNA PUKE!
Harry: D...d...dudes...*pause* I NEED THE LOO! *dashes out*
(About five minutes later, Harry emerges from the toilet carrying the Snitch which is covered in poo and basically stinks.)
Lee Jordan: HE'S CAUGHT THE SNITCH! GRYFFINDOR WINS!
Gryffindor: EXCELLENT! *Cheers*
Malfoy: CAUGHT it? Dude, he nearly DIGESTED it!
Gryffindor: *continue cheering*
Chapter Four
(Norbert is hatching)
Ron: Hey dude, It's a dinosaur!
Hermione: No, dude! It's a dragon!
Ron: Dude, it's a dinosaur!
Hagrid: DUDES, it's a DRAGON! His name is Norbert.
Hermione: See? I told you. *sticks tongue out at Ron*
Ron: *sticks tongue out at Hermione*
(They measure whose tongue is longer. Ron chokes on the ruler and is sent to the hospital wing. )
~ Skip to trapdoor scene ~
Hermione: Alohomora, dude!
(Door opens; they see Fluffy snoring over the trapdoor. There is a harp playing the National Anthem next to it. Suddenly, the music stops and Fluffy wakes up.)
Hermione: Quick, dude! Sing something!
Harry: What?
Hermione and Ron: ANYTHING, dude!
Harry: Uh, okay... This is the song that never ends, for it goes on and on my friend...
(Fluffy goes back to sleep, his tail back over the trapdoor)
Harry: ... some people started singing it not knowing what it was...
Ron: Uh, we can't get in, dude! His tail is over... oh, wait. Wingardium Leviosa, dude!
(Ron's wand backfires and he floats up.)
Ron: Cool! I can see everything from up here! *looks down* AAAAAAH! *falls on Fluffy*
Fluffy: *yelps and jumps up in pain*
(The three quickly get into the trapdoor, and fall down a deep, deep, hole.)
Harry: ... this is the song that never ends...
Hermione and Ron: DUDE!
Harry: Huh? What?
Ron: Shuddup.
Harry: Dude, I can't! It's the song that never ends! It goes on and on, and I'll have to sing it forever just because it is the song that never ends (continues singing)
Hermione: *rolls eyes*
Harry: ... some people started singing it not knowing what it was...
Ron: Dude, exactly how deep IS this hole?
Hermione: I don't know, dude!
Harry: ... and now they have to sing it, forever just because...
Ron: Anyone feel like 20 Questions?
Hermione: Uh, okay. Um, are you a...
(Suddenly, they land on something relatively soft.)
Ron: The hole's ended!
All: EXCELLENT!
*Devil's Snare starts twining around them*
Ron: Dude, HELP!
Harry: ...for it goes on and on my... what? *sees the plant.* *panics.* *freaks out.* *faints.*
Hermione: No, wait, wait! I know! This is the Devil's Snare, dude! Uh, Devil's Snare, Devil's Snare... it likes the dark and the damp...
Ron: SO LIGHT A FIRE, DUDE!
Hermione: Oh yeah! *takes out wand* FORESTFIREA!
(A jet of blue fire shoots out of her wand and hits the unconscious Harry)
Harry: OW! WHATCHA THINK YOU'RE DOING, DUDE?
Hermione: Oops. Sorry, dude. *points wand at plant and does same thing; it releases them and they fall through yet another hole.*
All: WOAAAAAAAHHH....
Ron: Well, how 'bout 20 Questions, then?
Harry: O.O *forgotten the tune of 'The Song That Never Ends'*
Hermione: Okay... are you a thing, dude?
Ron: Yup.
Hermione: Do you stink?
Ron: Yeah, dude!
Hermione: Er, are you a toilet?
Ron: YEAH!
Hermione: EXCELLENT! Ok, my turn...
(They hit ground again)
All: Ouch.
Ron: Dude, exactly how many holes ARE THERE in this place?
Harry: I don't know, dude!
(They emerge in a room with bird-like thingies flying around)
All: OOOOOH...
Ron: Looks like birds, dude! Let's catch one and roast it!
All: EXCELLENT!
Chapter Five
(Hermione points her wand at one of the 'birds' and a jet of fire shoots out. The 'bird' falls. )
All: EXCELLENT!
Ron: Let's share it out, dude!
Harry: YEAH!
(They attempt to chop up the 'bird' but all to no avail.)
Ron: Dude, I can't cut it!
Harry: Too bad then, dude! I'll just have to take the whole thing then!
Ron: Why you?
Harry: Because I'm the main character, dude!
Hermione: No way!
Harry: Yes way!
(Harry grabs the 'bird' and chomps on it. All his teeth fall out. )
Harry: OW!
Hermione: What's the matter, dude?
Harry: It's not a bird, dude! It's a key!
Ron: So you mean we can't eat it?
Harry: Yup.
All: BOGUS...
Hermione; Wait a minute! If it's a key, we can use it to open the door!
Ron: Nah. Why go to all that trouble, dude? Just call a locksmith!
Harry and Hermione: YEAH!
(Ron takes out his hand phone and calls a locksmith. While waiting, the three of them play Snap.)
Half an hour later...
Locksmith: Someone call me, dude?
Ron: Yeah! Open that door!
Locksmith: Sure thing, dude! You have a key?
Ron: Yup! *hands key over*
Locksmith: *unlocks door with the key* That'll be 65 Galleons, dude!
(Ron and Hermione look at Harry, the richest of them all.)
Harry: What? Oh, fine. *digs out money and pays locksmith*
L: Thanks dude! *leaves*
(Ron, Harry and Hermione enter the now unlocked door. The room lights up, and they find themselves standing on a giant chessboard.)
All: EXCELLENT!
Harry: Great props, dude!
Ron: Yeah! And special effects! This must have cost a LOT!
(Harry, Ron and Hermione walk across to the other end. The pawns there cross their swords in an attempt to stop them. They crawl under the swords and go through the next door, where they smell something horrible.)
Hermione: Ew! What's that smell, dude?
Ron: Heheh. Guilty. I guess I ate too many beans, dude!
Harry: Ick.
(They walk to the next door without even seeing the dead troll. In the next room is a row of seven bottles with a message next to it. Fires spring up behind and in front of them, barring their way.)
Ron: FIRE! CALL 911! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEEE!
Hermione: QUIET, DUDE! *picks up message* Ooh... "Danger lies before you, while safety lies behind, dude. Two of us would help you, whichever you would find."
Ron and Harry: EXCELLENT!
Hermione: QUIET, DUDES! Ahem. "One among us seven will let you move ahead, another will transport the drinker back instead."
Harry: Where?
Ron: Back to the future!
Harry and Ron: EXCELL...
Hermione: SHUT UP, DUDES! Can't you see I'm READING? One more interruption and I'll throw you into the fire!
Ron: BOGUS...
Hermione: "Two among our number hold only nettle wine..."
(Hermione finishes reading the message.)
Harry and Ron: *blank looks*
Hermione: Brilliant! This isn't magic – it's logic – a puzzle. A lot of the greatest wizards haven't got a single ounce of logic, and neither have we!
All: BOGUS.
Harry: So what're we going to do?
Ron: What's 'logic'?
Hermione: Me dunno. I guess there's only one way out of here. We've got to drink from the bottle which will let us go on!
Ron: But which is it?
Hermione: There's only one way to find out, dude! You go first, Ron!
Ron: What?
Hermione: Drink from one of the bottles, dude! If you die, then we'll know it's the wrong one!
Ron: Excellent plan, dude! *chooses a nice pink bottle* Wait... but what if my mummy finds out? She doesn't like me drinking...
Harry: Dude, just do it.
Ron: Okay. If I die, you can have my toilet roll collection.
Harry: And if I die, you can have MY toilet roll collection.
Ron: Thanks!
(Ron drinks from the bottle. He keels over and falls down.)
(Hermione drinks from another bottle. She collapses as well.)
Harry: Oh oh. Uh, let's see... meeny miny meeny moe, catch the dragon by the toe, if it eats you let it go, meeny miny meeny moe. *picks up the chosen bottle and drinks* I'm still alive! EXCELLENT! *looks at Ron and Hermione* Catcha later, dudes!
(Harry walks through the fire and emerges in the next room. He sees someone standing at the other end.)
Harry: Uh, hello?
(Person turns)
Harry: Quirrell? It's you?
Quirrell: Yup! It's me! And I brought a friend, dude! *removes turban and turns*
(Voldermort sees Harry.)
Voldemort: Harry...
Harry: Voldemort?
Voldemort: *cringes* DON'T SAY THE NAME, DUDE!
Harry: Why?
Voldemort: HE might hear.
Harry: Oh. Um, sorry.
Voldemort: Harry... I will kill you. But first, you should know something about us.
Harry: What? You're my father? EXCELLENT!
Voldemort: No. Harry... I am your mother.
Harry: No... no... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...
Chapter Six
(Harry stares)
Harry: WHAT? What d'you mean, you're my MOTHER? How can you be my mother, dude?
Voldemort: Ah, strange are the ways of the Force, my young son.
Harry: *stares*
Voldemort: It's just that 'Lady Voldemort' didn't sound as good as 'Lord Voldemort'. You know what I mean, dude!
Harry: *stares*
Voldemort: Come, join me, and together we shall rule the magical world as mother and son!
Harry: *stares*
Voldemort: Well? What d'you think, dude?
Harry: *stares*
Voldemort: Dude?
Harry: *stares*
Voldemort: There's a big monster coming up behind you!
Harry: *stares*
Voldemort: Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure was voted the best movie of all time!
Harry: *stares*
Voldemort: Professor Snape is the result of Chewbacca and R2-D2 crossbreeding!
Harry: Huh?
Voldemort: Very well then. Since you do not wish to join me, prepare to die! (Takes out her wand)
Harry: MUMMY! VOLDEMORT'S TRYING TO KILL ME!
Voldemort: DON'T SAY THE NAME! I MIGHT HEAR!
Harry: AAAAAAAHHHH! VOLDEMORT'S COMING TO GET ME!
Voldemort: DON'T SAY THE NAME! AAAAAAAAHHHH!
(Harry runs out of the room, screaming. Voldemort Disapparates, screaming too. Harry crashes into a wall.)
Harry: *throws up*
(Suddenly, Harry notices a bright red stone lying in the pool of...um, vomit.)
Harry: IT'S THE SOCERER'S STONE, DUDE! EXCELLENT!
(He runs over to the unconscious forms of Ron and Hermione.)
Harry: WAKE UP, DUDES! I'VE GOT THE SOCERER'S STONE!
Ron: Is it morning already?
(Both get up and stare at the 'stone')
Hermione: Dudes, is it me, or does it have a strange smell?
Harry: Course it does! I threw it up! It was a most triumphant vomit!
Hermione: Where did You-Know-Who go, dude?
Harry: Uh, I think she Disapparated...
Ron: SHE?
Hermione: DUDE, you CAN'T Disapparate OR Apparate inside Hogwarts!
Harry: Okay then. She just disappeared.
Hermione: Oh. Okay.
Ron: SHE?
Harry: Yup. Voldemort's my mother. Greatness runs in my family, dude!
Ron: *faints*
(Hermione and Harry stare at him then at each other.)
Harry: Well, what're you waiting for, dude? Let's go!
Hermione: YEAH!
(The two of them lug Ron back up to the school)
Harry: HEY DUDES! WAKE UP! WE GOT THE SOCERER'S STONE!
(The whole of Hogwarts is awakened.)
School: EXCELLENT!
Percy: Huh? Is it morning already?
Chapter Seven
Aunt Marge: So, Harry dude. Vernon here tells me you go to the St. Whatsits?
Uncle Vernon: St. Bill's School for Incurably Stupid Dudes.
Harry: I do NOT, dude! You got my school name wrong! It's the St. Bill's School for VERY Incurable Stupid Dudes! You left out the 'very', dude!
Uncle Vernon: Sorry, dude.
Aunt Marge: DROP 100, dude!
Harry: ONE HUNDRED?
Aunt Marge: NOW!
(Harry goes off to do 100 pushups.)
Aunt Marge: That's the way to treat them. Dude, I used to be the band director in a school. And James Potter studied there, before he went off to St. Bill's.
Harry: *stops pushups* You were my father's band director? You mean you're THAT old?
Aunt Marge: SILENCE, DUDE! DROP 200!
Harry: Wha... *does 200 pushups*
Aunt Marge: Like father like son, dude. Both ended up in the same school. And one day, Harry too will die in a car crash.
Harry: He didn't die in a car crash! He died in a plane crash!
Aunt Marge: SILENCE, DUDE! DROP 300!
Harry: ... *does 300 pushups*
Aunt Marge: And, Harry... there is something you should know about us.
Harry: What?
Aunt Marge: I am your mother.
Harry: NOOOOOOOO! You're not my mother! Voldemort is!
Voldemort: DON'T SAY THE NAME!
(There is a moment of shocked silence.)
Uncle Vernon: What was that? (pause) DUDLEY! DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE STILL WATCHING HARRY POTTER!
(Star Wars music is suddenly heard coming from upstairs.)
Uncle Vernon: That's better.
Harry: YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER! She wasn't that fat!
(Aunt Marge gets blown up and floats up to the ceiling.)
Harry: Wow, dude! You really ARE fat!
Uncle Vernon: Yeah!
Aunt Marge: Really? (looks at herself) AAAAAH! Where's the weighing machine, dude?
Harry: There, dude!
Aunt Marge: Oh.
(Pause)
Aunt Marge: I can't get down, dude!
Harry: Oops. I forgot. I was doing my superglue experiment in the ceiling just now, dude!
Aunt Marge: WHAT?
Uncle Vernon & Aunt Petunia: HARRY!
(Harry grabs his stuff and runs out of the house. Suddenly, he sees a big black dog staring at him.)
Harry: Dude, there's a big black dog staring at me!
Big Black Dog: You're talking to a dog, dude.
Harry: I am? No way!
Big Black Dog: Yes way! Talking to animals is a sign of mental degeneration, dude!
Harry: The author talks to her stationery.
Big Black Dog: That's beside the point.
Harry: Oh.
Big Black Dog: YOU'RE BRAIN WILL SLOWLY DISAPPEAR, DUDE!
Harry: I have a brain? EXCELLENT!
(Another big black dog walks up.)
Big Black Dog #2: You're talking to a human, dude!
Big Black Dog: I am? No way!
Big Black Dog #2: Yes way! Talking to humans is a sign of mental degeneration, dude!
Big Black Dog: The author talks to her stationery.
Anakin McFly: Shut up about my stationery, dude!
Big Black Dog: Sorry dude.
(The two dogs stare at each other for three hours. Feeling bored, Harry whistles 'The Song That Never Ends'.)
Big Black Dogs: AAH! GRIM!
(The Knight Bus appears and runs the three of them over. Harry survives because he's the main character, and main characters never die until the end.)
Stan: Hiya dude! I'm drunk, who are you?
Harry: Uh... Ted. Ted Logan.
Stan: EXCELLENT! Come on, dude! Welcome to the Knight Bus!
A while later...
Cornelius Fudge: 'Ted Logan'? Dude, this here is Barney the Dinosaur!
Stan: Barney... the Dinosaur? The movie star?
Harry: *is wearing a purple suit for some unknown reason* Uh... yeah. It's my screen name, dude!
Stan: Barney the Dinosaur? Dude, I'm your Number #1 fan! *faints*
(The Knight Bus drives over him and Cornelius Fudge, making both history.)
Chapter Eight
(Harry walks aimlessly around Diagon Alley when Hermione and Ron see him)
Ron: HARRY! Hey, dude!
Harry: Hi! (walks over) How's it going, dudes?
Hermione: Excellent!
Harry: I got all my school supplies last week, dude! But then I was hungry and ate them up, so I had to get more!
Ron & Hermione: Bogus.
Hermione: Dude, did you really blow up your aunt?
Harry: Of course!
Ron & Hermione: EXCELLENT!
Hermione: And you didn't get expelled?
Harry: Yeah!
Ron: Excellent! Go do it again, dude!
Harry: Nah. It gets kinda boring after a while.
Ron: Oh.
~ Cut to train scene ~
Ron: *points at Lupin* Hey dude, who's that?
Hermione: Professor R. J. Lupin, dude!
Harry: How d'you know, dude?
Hermione: It says so on his bag, dude! Look! *points to the words 'Professor R. J. Lupin' on his case*
Harry: You can read and you never told me? How could you, dude?
Hermione: Uh...
Ron: What's R and J stand for?
Hermione: I dunno. Romeo and Juliet?
Ron: Oh.
Harry: Wonder what he teaches.
Hermione: Maybe he's a toilet cleaner.
Harry: Yeah! We sure need some of those, dude! The toilets stink!
Ron: *digs in Lupin's bag* Hey dudes! Look! Chocolates!
Harry & Hermione: EXCELLENT!
(They all eat up most of the chocolates when the lights suddenly go off.)
Ron: What happened, dude?
Harry: Dunno. It's getting cold in here...
Hermione: Yeah! Tell them to turn up the heat, dude!
Ron: Well, at least the chocolates won't melt.
(Lupin wakes)
Lupin: Quiet, dudes!
(The door opens and the Dementor stands there making rattling noises that sound like those Darth Vader makes.)
Harry: Hiya dude! Want to sit here?
Dementor: *makes scary rattling sounds*
Ron: Want some chocolates, dude?
Dementor: *makes more scary rattling sounds*
Harry: Dude, it's getting REALLY cold in here...
Ron: They're really nice, you know. Sure you don't want some, dude?
Dementor: 0.0
Harry: DUDE... it's c-c-cold...
Hermione: Then put on a sweater, dude!
Harry: *faints*
(Harry feels himself floating through weird green mist things. He hears screaming...)
Screaming person: No... NO... NOOOOOOOOOO...
(...and is suddenly jolted back to consciousness.)
Ron: Hey dude, you all right?
Harry: What? What happened? Who screamed, dude?
Hermione: No one screamed, dude!
Harry: Really? It sounded like something out of a Star Wars movie...
Ron & Hermione: *give him weird looks*
(Lupin snaps a bar of chocolate and passes one huge piece to Harry.)
Lupin: Here dude. Eat it. It'll help. *pauses* I think. *looks puzzled* Strange... I thought I had more chocolates than that...
Harry: I can't eat too much chocolate, dude! I'll get diabetes!
Lupin: EAT IT!
Harry: Okay. *nibbles on chocolate* What was that just now, dude? A Black Rider?
Lupin: Nah. It was a Dementor dude. It's EEEVIL. *makes scary faces*
Ron, Harry & Hermione: BOGUS.
To Be Continued...
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