Hit the Nose

Written by Anakin McFly

"'Hit the nose,' he said, 'hit the nose,'" Hal the pit-droid grumbled. It wasn’t fair. All he’d wanted to do was to teach that stupid Gungan not to mess around with him, and what did he get in return? Hit on the nose. What did those guys take him for? Some of them even seemed to enjoy bashing his nose, just to watch him fold up and drop to the floor. Easily entertained, those people.

And so Hal sat fuming in his closed up position, unable to move until someone let him. He wanted to get even with those blasted people who called themselves his masters. With those people who always seemed to derive great pleasure in the humiliation of a poor droid like him. And so he thought up a plan for revenge. Now, all he needed was a chance to put it in action...

That chance came one month later, but it was worth the wait, Hal thought, as he surveyed his fellow pit-droids working near him. A whole lot of them. Clearing his droid throat, Hal drew himself up to his full height and announced in droidspeak:

"Friends! Pit-droids! Tatooineans!"

The heads of the other droids turned. Hal paused. ‘Tatooineans’? That didn’t sound quite right" The droid searched his memory for a better word, but none came to mind.

"For years we have been humiliated!" Hal continued. "Hit on the nose for the simple entertainment of our masters! Because of this, they have control! If they want us to shut up, they hit our nose! If they want us to shut down, they HIT OUR NOSE!"

Almost every pit-droid in the area was now listening intently as Hal continued.

"That is our only weakness. Rid of it, we can take over Tatooine! We can take over the galaxy!" A collective mechanical gasp escaped the audience. "Yes, my fellow droids, we have the potential for greatness! Let us rise up against our masters! We shall give them a taste of their own medicine! If they hit our noses, WE SHALL HIT THEIRS! Rise up, fellow pit-droids! The road to victory is beckoning to us! Let us make known to this planet, to this galaxy, that we are a force to be reckoned with!"

Loud droid cheers were heard coming from the crowd. Hal was pleased. This was working out just fine...

"I have a dream," he went on. "A dream that one day, we droids will be respected! No longer shall we be treated as slaves, for slaves we are not."

The crowd was silent now.

"Tonight, we strike." Hal paused for dramatic effect. "LONG LIVE THE PIT-DROIDS!"

"LONG LIVE THE PIT-DROIDS!" the crowd repeated, over and over again, punching their metallic arms into the air as they chanted.

Outside, a ship mechanic turned to his partner.

"Do you hear something?"

His partner, a balding, hard-of-hearing old man, shook his head and they both resumed their work. That is, until both were bowled over by a rabid crowd of pit-droids.

"YAAAAAAAAAA!" the droids yelled, swinging fist after metal fist into the noses of the two workers. Blood spewed out from their nostrils, and the pit droids left them, helpless on the ground, to look for more victims...

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"This just in," a reporter announced over the Holonet. "Tatooine has reported hordes of malfunctioning pit-droids rampaging their planet. Their intentions are still unknown, but people have been attacked by these droids, though damage has mostly been limited to the nose area. This is possibly the largest case of nose bleeding ever reported, but Tatooine spokespeople claim that they have the situation under control. Meanwhile, to all Tatooineans..." The reporter paused. ‘Tatooineans’? Was that the word? She shrugged and continued. "...to all residents of Tatooine, if you are attacked by one of these droids, just stay calm and hit them on the nose, as this will cause them to cease all activity. Thank you. This is Noesie Geet of the Holonet reporting."

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Hal sat fuming in his closed up position.

"Why?" he yelled silently. "WHY?"

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