Star Wars: The Weakest Link
Written by Anakin McFly
Chapter One
Jaina McFly: Welcome, humans, droids, Gungans, Wookies, Jawas, Ewoks and other weird looking creatures to the Star Wars edition of The Weakest Link!
(Clapping and booing is heard)
Jaina McFly: As usual, we have eight contestants who would be competing with each other to win the grand prize of one million cents. And they are, in alphabetical order: Chewie, C-3PO, Darth Vader, Han, Leia, Luke, Yoda, and a miscellaneous representative of the Poodoo Clearing Society.
(Applause)
(Yoda uses the Force to levitate himself higher so as to be able to see what's going on.)
Jaina McFly: You should know all of them, except in the case of the PCS representative, so I shall allow him to introduce himself.
PCS rep: How's it going, dudes?
Audience: EXCELLENT!
PCS rep: RIGHT! Well, my name is Bill S. Preston Esquire, and I work in the Poodoo Clearing Society where our main task is to... well, clear poodoo. I also happen to be part of the band Wyld Stallyns with my most excellent friend, Ted, but he can't be here today as he is currently playing another Weakest Link game in a different part of fanfiction.net. How'd you do it, by the way?
Jaina McFly: Huh?
Bill: Host two games at the same time.
Jaina McFly: Never underestimate the power of the Force. And commercial breaks.
Bill: Fine. Well, that's the end of my introduction, so PARTY ON, DUDES!
Audience: EXCELLENT!
Jaina McFly: You all know the rules of the game, but for this edition there has been a slight modification... to bank money, you have to say the following sentence: "Master, I don't know why you're my master as you're shorter than me, but anyway I think I sense a strange disturbance in the Force... you should sense it too, Master... and... oh-oh, my lightsabre just went out of control and it's flying in the air doing stunts and oops was that your head um... Master, are you still alive?"
Contestants: Huh?
(Jaina McFly repeats the banking sentence 4 more times.)
Jaina McFly: For the Back to the Future edition, the banking sentence was 28 words long and yet people managed to bank money. So we decided to make the Star Wars one a little longer – 60 words. Sorry for any inconve... YODA! WHAT'RE YOU DOING UP THERE?
(Everyone looks at Yoda, who has levitated so far up that his head is touching the ceiling)
Jaina McFly: That's cheating, you know! You can see the answers from up there... GET DOWN THIS INSTANT!
(Yoda returns to his seat)
Yoda: See anything, I cannot.
Jaina McFly: Whatever.
Yoda: Unfair, this is.
Jaina McFly: FINE! But not so high.
(Yoda levitates up again.)
Jaina McFly: Anyway, it's on to Round One. We'll start with Chewie, as his name comes first alphabetically. Start the clock. Chewie, what colour is a T-Rex?
Chewie: Grooooooooarrr.
Jaina McFly: Um... Han? What did he say?
Han: Purple and green.
Jaina McFly: Correct! C-3PO, what is 'Spaceballs'?
C-3PO: Spaceballs is a 1988 movie by Mel Brooks and is essentially a spoof of the 1977 trilogy Star...
Jaina McFly: WRONG! The answer was: "Spaceballs is a very nice show and I like it so there."
C-3PO: I beg your pardon?
Jaina McFly: Never mind. Vader, without using any words, explain what the Force is.
(Darth Vader uses the Force to grab Jaina round the neck.)
Jaina McFly: *chokes* OK! I get the point... ahh!
(Darth Vader releases her)
Jaina McFly: I suppose I asked for that. Han, how should you not hold a lightsaber?
Han: By the blade!
Jaina McFly: Right. Leia, why do all Star Wars aliens either speak English or their own language?
Leia: That's the way life is.
Jaina McFly: Um...yeah. Luke, who is shorter, you or Marty McFly?
Luke: MARTY! DEFINITELY!
Jaina McFly: Er, the answer was, "I don't know."
Luke: Aw, man!
Jaina McFly: Yoda, what would happen if someone were to scotch-tape two lightsabres together face to face and then ignite them?
Yoda: Do that, you cannot. Dangerous, it is.
Jaina McFly: Answer the question!
Yoda: Exist a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, scotch tape does not.
Jaina McFly: Get to the point.
Yoda: Patient, you are not. Unfit for a Jedi, you are.
Jaina McFly: Don't tell me you came here just to look for Jedi recruits... anyway, I'll take your 'answer' as a pass. On to you, Bill. Describe yourself in one word.
Bill: EXCELLENT!
Jaina McFly: Yeah! Chewie...
Chewie: Grooooooooarrrrrrraaaor.
Timer: TEET!
Jaina McFly: Uh... Han, what did he just say?
Han: "Master, I don't know why you're my master as you are shorter than me, but anyway I think I sense a strange disturbance in the Force...you should sense it too, Master... and... oh-oh, my lightsabre just went out of control and its flying in the air doing stunts and oops was that your head um...Master, are you still alive?"
Jaina McFly: NOOOOOOO!... HOW COULD YOU! I work so hard to come up with a long banking sentence and it turns out to be just one growl long in Wookie language... Ok, anyway, it's now time to vote off The Weakest Link!
Miscellaneous voice from somewhere: Luke, C-3PO and Yoda are the weakest links. Everyone else is the strongest link. Who will get voted off?
Jaina McFly: We'll come back after the break to see who gets voted off, so don't go away. (Jaina runs out of the room.)
Luke: Hey! Where'd she go?
Miscellaneous voice from somewhere: To her other game.
Luke: What other game?
Miscellaneous voice from somewhere: You know... Back to the Future: The Weakest Link. According to the number of reviewers who haven't even heard of the show, you don't have to know anything about BttF as the fanfic's basically about this bunch of people sitting down and answering stupid, pointless questions.
Luke: You mean like this?
Miscellaneous voice from somewhere: Yup. Except that Yoda isn't exactly sitting.
Chapter Two
(Host runs into the room)
Jaina McFly: Ok, I'm back. Contestants, display your votes.
Chewie: Darth Vader
C-3P0: Bill
Darth Vader: C-3P0
Han: C-3P0
Leia: Bill
Luke: C-3P0
Yoda: Darth Vader
Bill: Yoda
Jaina McFly: Ok...Chewie, why Vader?
Chewie: Grrrooar!
Jaina McFly: Uh, Han, what was that?
Han: He says it's got to do with the carbonite thing.
Jaina McFly: Ok, and Han, why Threepio?
Han: He talks too much.
Jaina McFly: Uhhuh. Yoda, why Vader?
Yoda: Strong in the dark side, he is.
Jaina McFly: Fine, I get the point. Bill, why Yoda?
Bill: Dude, he talks funny.
Yoda: Funny, I am not.
Bill: See?
Jaina McFly: Whatever. C-3P0, you are the weakest link. Goodbye.
C-3P0: Goodbye.
Jaina McFly: You're not supposed to say anything, dude!
Off screen C-3PO: I've been voted off! Oh dearie me!
Jaina McFly: And it's time for Round 2! Start the clock. Chewie, what to the letters J.E.D.I. stand for?
Chewie: Groar.
Jaina McFly: Han?
Han: Junior Executive Delivering Industry.
Jaina McFly: Yup. Darth Vader, what do you think of Yoda?
Darth Vader: Short, green and fuzzy.
Jaina McFly: Right.
Yoda: Insult a Jedi Master, you shall not. *sighs* The Dark Side, I sense in you.
Jaina McFly: Yoda, can you KINDLY stop interrupting? Ahem. Han, can you jump higher than the buildings in Coruscant?
Han: Sure! Buildings can't jump.
Jaina McFly: Yeah! Leia, describe the Millennium Falcon's hyperdrive system.
Leia: Perfect if you don't count in the fact that it's spoilt half the time.
Han: Hey!
Jaina McFly: Whatever. Right. Luke, what is infinity to the power of three zillion, fifty seven hundred thousand and twenty-nine?
Luke: Infinity.
Jaina McFly: Correct. Yoda, how old are you?
Yoda: Insensitive, you are. Answer the question, I shall not.
Jaina McFly: Fine. Bill, how's it goin', dude?
Bill: EXCELLENT!
Jaina McFly: Yeah! Chewie, what is 'grroarr' in English?
Chewie: Grroarr.
Jaina McFly: WRONG! Hee hee... Anakin, why do you wear a helmet?
Darth Vader: Asthma.
Jaina McFly: Ok. Han, who came up with the idea of the Star Destroyer?
Han: Darth Vader?
Jaina McFly: Nope. George Lucas. Leia, is water waterproof?
Leia: No.
Jaina McFly: Right. Luke...
Luke: Master I don't know why you're my mas...
Timer: TEET!
Luke: *Cut off in mid-sentence*
Yoda: Interrupt a Jedi, you shall not. (Uses the Force to make the timer guy fall off the corridor.)
Timer guy: AAAAHHHH! *Splat* Ugh... medic...
Jaina McFly: We've come to the end of Round 2, so party on... er, start voting off the Weakest Link! Bye. (runs off.)
Chapter Three
Jaina McFly: Okay, display your votes.
Chewie: Darth Vader
Darth Vader: Leia
Han: Leia
Leia: Bill
Luke: Leia
Yoda: Darth Vader
Bill: Chewie
Jaina McFly: Ookay.. uh, Han, why're you voting off your wife?
Han: She should be looking after the kids. Especially since I think Jacen has found the hiding place of Luke's lightsabre.
Luke: Uh oh. O-O
Jaina McFly: Luke, why Leia?
Luke: She broke my toy lightsabre when we were three.
Leia: What's THAT supposed to mean? We never even LIVED together!
Luke: Oh. Yeah. Oops. Must have been someone else, then. Sorry.
Leia: What d'you mean, sorry? You just v...
Jaina McFly: Um, can you guys keep quiet for a while? Thanks. Ok, Bill, why Chewie?
Bill: Dude, he's hairy! He's got fur lice! He's a walking carpet! He's a...
(Chewie gets out of his seat and pounces on Bill)
Bill: AAAAAAHH! *mmff* Ow...MEDIC!
Han: Chewie, get off him!
Chewie: GROOOARR!
Han: CHEWIE!
Chewie: ROOOOAR!
Bill: AAAAAAH!
(Yoda uses the Force to levitate Chewie off Bill. The Wookiee hovers in the air.)
Chewie: Uh?
Luke: COOL! Hey, Yoda, let ME try!
*Takes over from Yoda*
*Chewie falls back down on Bill*
Luke: Oops. Um, sorry?
Yoda: Much to learn, you still have.
(St. John's Ambulance Brigade arrives and takes Bill away.)
Jaina McFly: So that's one contestant less... Oh yeah, and before I forget, Leia, you are the Weakest Link. Goodbye.
Leia off screen: *sobs and refuses to talk*
Jaina McFly: Ok, let's get on with this. ON TO ROUND 3! Start the clock. Ahem...
(Suddenly, Marty McFly dashes in.)
Jaina McFly: *stares*
Chewie: *stares*
Darth Vader: *stares*
Han: *stares*
Leia: *stares*
Luke: *stares*
Yoda: *no expression whatsoever*
Jaina McFly: What are YOU doing here?
Marty: They voted me off the other game, so I thought I'd just drop by and...
Jaina McFly: HELLO! ANYBODY HOME, MCFLY? This is the STAR WARS section, dude! You can't just...
Marty: Someone said Luke was taller than me but I don't believe it. Can I check? Please?
Jaina McFly: This cannot be happening to me. *rolls eyes* Whatever.
Marty: Thanks! *stares at Luke*
Everyone else: *stares at Luke*
Luke: Huh? What?
Marty: Uh, can you stand up?
Luke: What the...
Marty: I want to see if you're taller than me.
Luke: *smacks forehead* This can't be happening...
Han: Come on, Luke! Stand up! I want to see who's taller too!
Yoda: Stand, you must.
Darth Vader: *asthmatic sounds*
Chewie: ROAAR!
*Everyone looks at Luke*
Luke: How can you DO this to me? IT'S A CONSPIRACY! ALL OF IT! NOOOOOOO...
*Everyone looks at Luke*
Luke: *grumbles* *finally stands*
(Long pause)
Luke: YES! I KNEW it! I'M TALLER! YAY! *starts doing the Macarena*
Marty: NOOOOOOO...
Luke: Hey! That's MY line!
Marty: No it isn't!
Luke: Yes it is!
Marty: No it isn't!
Luke: *waves hand* Yes it is!
Marty: Yes it... wait a minute... *looks confused* *starts muttering, 'how-can-he-be-taller-than-me' repeatedly.*
Luke: *smug look* *realizes something* Hey... but then if I'm taller, it means that I got that question right! That's a hundred dollars you owe me!
Jaina McFly: Uh, the answer for that question was 'I don't know'.
Luke: The answers are wrong!
Jaina McFly: So?
Luke: SEE? As I said, IT'S A CONSPIRACY! YOU BROUGHT US HERE TO WASTE PRECIOUS MINUTES OF...
Gollum: My precioussss... you has taken my preciousss... *crawls towards Luke out of nowhere*
(Author's note): As you can see, I'm doomed to write crossovers for the rest of my pitiful life.
Luke: Uh... what precious are you talking about? *Gollum crawls up Luke* GET AWAY FROM ME!
Gollum: Preciousss...
Timer: TEET!
Jaina McFly: O_O
Luke: O_O
Chewie: O_O
Han: O_O
DV: O_O
Marty: *stops muttering* O_O
Yoda: *no expression whatsoever*
Gollum: O_O
Jaina McFly: Um, was that the timer?
Timer person: Yup!
Jaina McFly: O_O
Luke: O_O
Chewie: O_O
Han: O_O
DV: O_O
Marty: O_O
Yoda: *still no expression whatsoever*
Gollum: O_O
Jaina McFly: Uh, like, we haven't even started the game, so why...
Timer person: You said start the clock so I started it, dude!
Luke: So... what do we do now?
Marty: *continues muttering*
Jaina McFly: Um, I guess we'll just have to skip round three, and... yeah. Just vote off anyone you want to. We can't rewind. The timer's been, um... programmed.
Han: Programmed for what?
Jaina McFly: None of your business. So... yeah. Just vote off anybody you want to. Then again, that's what you've been doing all along.
Marty: How-can-he-be-taller-than-me... *sees everyone staring at him* Huh? What?
Jaina McFly: Why on earth are you still here? I thought I told you to go back!
Marty: Where?
Jaina McFly: Back to the future!
Marty: O_O
Jaina McFly: *just realized her answer has double meaning*
Marty: Fine. I'm going. *heads for entrance* *trips on pool of Bill's blood* *lands on the floor face down* AAAAAH!... *crashes* ...ugh... MEDIC!
(St. John's Ambulance Brigade enters and takes him away.)
Anakin McFly: This is like, the longest chapter in this fic... I mean, It's longer than all my Star Wars short stories put together.
Luke: NOT THE SHORT STORIES!
Anakin McFly: What's wrong with them, dude? I only killed you twice! Or was it three... *counts* ... nah, twice only. Face it, Lukie. All my SW fics have someone dying in it. I can't help it...
Han: This is known as shameless advertising. And what happened to Jaina?
Anakin McFly: Uh, she left. And I KNOW it's shameless advertising! My Star Wars fics don't get enough reviews, that's all!
Yoda: Morbid, you are. Unfit for a Jedi, you are.
(Darth Vader clonks Yoda on the head. The latter blacks out, all the while still levitating.)
Chapter Four
Jaina McFly: *runs in* I'M BAAAAACK! ^_^ Okay, display your votes.
Luke: You sure took a long time.
Jaina McFly: *vaguely* Toilet... stomachache... splash... fell... in...
Luke: 0.0
Jaina McFly: OI! Votes!
Chewie: Darth Vader
Darth Vader: Chewie
Han: Darth Vader
Luke: Chewie
Yoda: Chewie
Han: NO! LUKE! How could you? I thought we were friends!
Luke: Sorry, but he wasn't exactly giving the right answers... how do we know you weren't just making up what he roars?
Jaina McFly: Good point.
Han: NOOOOOOOO!
Luke: Hey! That's MY line! NOOOOOOOO!
Jaina McFly: Uh... let's just get on with this, okay? Chewie, you are the weakest link. Goodbye.
Chewie: ROARR!
Jaina McFly: What?
Han: He said he hopes that all of your future fan fiction stories get zero reviews and that you are nothing but a crusty slimebag.
Jaina McFly: 0.0 Fine, whatever. Right... onto Round Four. Start the clock. Ahem. Darth Vader, what's the colour of the sun?
Darth Vader: Yellow?
Jaina McFly: Wrong! The answer is, "I don't know, because if I look at the sun I'll become blind." Han, RUNS?
Han: IMNS. ^_^
Jaina McFly: I admire your honesty. Uh... Luke, what are marshmallows?
Luke: Cute.
Jaina McFly: Right. Yoda, have you regained consciousness yet?
Yoda: *is still blacked out*
Jaina McFly: I take that as a pass. Back to... *has just realized something* Wait... if Yoda's still blacked out, how did he vote?
Mysterious Disembodied Voice: Strange are the ways of the Force.
Jaina McFly: *stares* Who said that?
Mysterious Disembodied Voice: Me.
Jaina McFly: Oh. Okay. Vader, here's the next question...
Yoda: *wakes up* Miss something, did I?
Jaina McFly: Uh...
Yoda: Blacked out, I must have. Strange, that is. Mmm. *looks around wisely*
Jaina McFly: O...kay. Darth Vader, what is the ideal Star Wars slash pairing?
DV: R2-D2/C-3PO.
Jaina McFly: Yeah! I'll write that someday...
Yoda: Impossible, that is. Two droids, they are.
Jaina McFly: Yoda?
Yoda: Mmm?
Jaina McFly: Shut up.
Yoda: 0.0
Jaina McFly: Han, why did the duck cross the road?
Han: Because the chicken was on strike.
Jaina McFly: Right! Luke, what do you get if you roast a marshmallow?
Luke: Roasted marshmallow?
Jaina McFly: Yup. Yoda, uh... Shoot. I'm out of questions.
Contestants: 0.0
Jaina McFly: Um, don't worry. Just wait a while... *rummages under the table and emerges with two sheets of paper* Okay... *glances down at papers* Uh... Yoda, solve the equation (3y2 – 65y + 100 = 0).
Yoda: 20 or 1 2/3, y is.
Jaina McFly: Thanks. *scribbles down answer* Darth Vader, solve the equation (x2 + x – 380 = 0)
Darth Vader: x = 6.
Jaina McFly: *scribbles* You guys are good.
Darth Vader: Never underestimate the power of the Force.
Jaina McFly: Yeah, whatever.
Han: *stares* Is that your math homework by any chance?
Jaina McFly: Uh... ^_^ *hides papers* No! Of course not!
Han: *stares*
Jaina McFly: Okay, Han. Uh.. solve the eq...
Han: *glares*
Jaina McFly: FINE, whatever. I'll take that as a pass, then, and just make up the rest of the questions...
Han: WHAT?
Jaina McFly: Luke, what do you get when you boil a marshmallow?
Luke: Boiled marshmallow?
Jaina McFly: WRONG! Sugar water! =D
Luke: 0.0 What's with all the marshmallow questions?
Jaina McFly: Dunno. Yoda, do you consider yourself vertically challenged?
Yoda: Rude, you are. Hmph!
Jaina McFly: Fine. Vader, if you could have your own TV show, what would it be called?
Darth Vader: *goes into superhero mode* 'Darth Vader Saves the Day with his Asthma Inhaler'! Zupzupzup!
Audience: *cheer*
Jaina McFly: R...ight. Han, do you know who Indiana Jones is?
Han: Who?
Jaina McFly: Never mind. Luke...
Timer: BEEP!
Luke: NOOOOOOOOO!
Jaina McFly: Yeah yeah, I know. You didn't get to answer another marshmallow question.
Luke: *cries* Marshmallow! *sniffs*
Rest of Contestants: 0.0
Jaina McFly: Anyway, it's time to vote of The Weakest Link! I got to go get some more questions. Bye! *runs off*
Chapter Five
Jaina McFly: Votes?
Darth Vader: Yoda
Han: Darth Vader
Luke: Darth Vader
Yoda: Darth Vader
Jaina McFly: Um, Luke, why'd you vote off your father?
Luke: He neglected me when I was a baby! And all because of HIM, I'll probably get asthma when I grow up!
Darth Vader: *asthmatic sounds*
Jaina McFly: Okay... Yoda, why...
Yoda: Strong in the Dark Side, he is.
Darth Vader: *asthmatic sounds*
Jaina McFly: Yeah, yeah, that's what you said the last time. Vader, you are the weakest link. Goodbye.
Darth Vader: *makes asthmatic sounds and leaves*
Offstage Darth Vader: *asthmatic sounds*
Jaina McFly: Round 5! Yay! Oh, and one more thing. I got full marks for my maths worksheet, and I'll just like to thank you guys...
Contestants: *glare*
Jaina McFly: FINE! Whatever. Start the clock. Han, which species thrives in the fur coat industry?
Han: Wookiees.
Jaina McFly: Yup. Luke, can I call you Lukie?
Luke: NO!
Jaina McFly: You're supposed to say 'yes'. Oh well. Yoda...
Luke: Hey!
Jaina McFly: *ignores him* Yoda, what is the colour of John Williams' beard?
Yoda: Mmm... Know John Williams, I do not.
Jaina McFly: Answer the question.
Yoda: A Jedi, he is not. Mmm... Hard, this question is.
Jaina McFly: *rolls eyes* Yoda...
Yoda: The colour of his beard, a good question indeed...
Jaina McFly: Okay then, that's a pass.
Yoda: Impatient, you are. *nods wisely* A trait of the Dark Side, that is. Mmm.
Jaina McFly: Yoda, if you don't quit that I'll make you sit down like everyone else.
Yoda: *raises eyebrow* Ohh?
Jaina McFly: Han, if I have two lightsabres, what do I have?
H: Two lightsabres.
Jaina McFly: Yeah! Luke, do you like cheese?
Luke: I suppose so...
Jaina McFly: Me too! ^_^ *is in a cheesy mood* Yoda, how do you pronounce 'FAQ'?
Yoda: Faq.
Censorship guy: Beep.
Jaina McFly: Sorry? What?
Yoda: Faq, the answer is.
Censorship guy: Beep.
Jaina McFly: Um, the answer was 'Faq', not 'Beep'. Luke...
Yoda: *shakes head wisely* A trick, that was. Not fit for a Jedi, you are.
Jaina McFly: Knock off the Jedi recruiting, dude. *stares at question paper* Shoot, I'm out of questions again... *digs out holiday homework* Um, Han, write a composition entitl... no, wait... *flips through entire pile* Book review, more book reviews, Ten Ways to Kill a Teacher, project, miscellaneous assignments... ARGH! *mutters darkly* When you don't want maths homework, they give you maths homework. When you want maths homework, they don't give you maths homework. Oh, fine. I'll just make up the questions as I go along.
Luke: Isn't that what you've been doing all the while?
Jaina McFly: Shuddup. Han, uh... *thinks* does Luke need a haircut?
Han: Yes. ^_^
Luke: Hey!
Jaina McFly: Right! Luke, draw your father using keyboard keys.
Luke: Uh... 'C8<]' ?
Jaina McFly: Yep!
Yoda: An image of evil, that is.
Everybody: SHUT UP!
Yoda: *shuts up and shakes head wisely*
Jaina McFly: Yoda...
Timer: TEET!
Jaina McFly: Okay, that's it! ^_^ No one banked any money this time! Uh, vote off the weakest link. Bye! *runs to loo*
Miscellaneous voice: This is amazing. I'm getting paid to say things people don't need to hear and if I don't say them they don't care anyway.
Yoda: Slacker. Huh. *uses the Force to toss the owner of the miscellaneous voice over the railing*
Misc voice: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! *splat*
To Be Continued...
#