IF YOU ASK ME
by Libby Gelman-Waxner
(snipped for Keanu content)
Libby lusts after Keanu, the prince of Speed and the riches of The Lion King-dom.
Before I even saw Speed, I knew it was going to be just about my favorite movie ever and one of the finest cinematic achievements of all time involving a bus. And then I saw it, and, of course, I was right. Not only is Speed incredibly exciting and funny and perfect in every way, but it also completely justifies my fear of using public transportation. In Speed, Dennis Hopper attaches a bomb to a Los Angeles bus and sets it to explode if the bus ever goes under 50 miles per hour. Keanu Reeves plays a policeman who jumps onto and under the bus and saves everyone. If you ask me, buses are always dangerous. Exactly whose behind is supposed to fit in those rounded fiberglass seats, anyway? Whenever I'm on a bus, I wonder: What if there's a nuclear explosion and only the people on my bus are left alive and we have to remake civilization? Is there anyone on board I could bear to mate with, someone not wearing support hosiery, a garment with a hood, or a truss?
Maybe when the bomb drops, I'll be lucky enough to be on the crosstown with Keanu. I think he's so popular because he combines all the best features of a helpful young man and a loyal dog. Keanu has become out national love puppy, you'd trust him on a date with your daughter, because even if they had sex it would be just fine. Husbands would happily lend their wives to Keanu, and the wives would have a blast and return home smiling. With his new short hair, Keanu is like the clean-cut, upright, trustworthy founder of the American Sex Scouts.