Sky (UK), ~ February 1995


"YOU LOOK LIKE KEANU REEVES"

FIRST ATTEMPT

The Smugglers in Edinburgh. Cosy cellar-bar, natural habitat of the lesser-moneyed student. Spot victim, leaning on banister-thing beside me. He's cute, with black, jaw-length hair, and is wearing a car-coat. I'm drunk. Check again to make sure victim isn't a girl. He isn't. Action!

Me: "Has anyone told you you look like Keanu Reeves?"

Him: [Hoists left eyebrow, smirking] "Are you real? Ha!"

Me: [I nod, earnestly]

Him: "F'ckooooooff!" [Laughing]

Me: "What? No one's told you? Seriously?"

Him: [Adopting slick bastard persona] "No, babe, but people have told Keanu Reeves he looks like me." [He snorts with laughter]

Me: [Grinning, coyly, somewhat like Gloria Swanson] "Then people *have* told you before, right?"

Him: "Oh yeah. I get it all the time..."

Me: [Practise honest-car-salesman shrug] "Well, you can take the piss but I think you could be his brother."

Him: [Stumbles. Is obviously shocked at my honesty] "You er, [slurs] you er, really think I look like him?"

Me: "Yeah! Honest guv!"

Him: "Haaa! It must just be ma hair." [Titters away to himself, slightly abashed] [Silence.]

Me: [Desperately stumble for something to say next] "His name means 'Breeze over the mountains' apparently."

Him: "Who, Keanu's?"

Me: "Yeah."

Him: [Cynically] "Yeah, right! I bet. It probably means 'Farted over the Cairngorms...'"

Me: [Adopt "Oh aren't you an amusing hunky man" posture] "Tee hee hee."

Him: "... or 'I'm a woofter' or something."

Me: [Stop adopting "Aren't you an amusing hunky man" pose. Pause slurring long enough to note that bloke is slurring more than me]

Him: [Slurring and tittering at same time] " My name is Fuk-U... D'y know what that's Hawaiian for?"

Me: "How many pints have you had?"

Him: "No, that's not what it means ..."

Mate: [Chips in] "Just the 18 or so."

Me: [To mate] "Ah." [Pause. Victim is looking at shoes like a little boy. Turn to mate] "Has anyone told you you look like Keanu Reeves?"

Mate: [Sighs] "How much do I pay you to go away?"

[Vacate premises]

SECOND ATTEMPT

Bus queue, Finsbury Park, waiting for the W3 to Wood Green. He's standing beside me tall, extremely muscular, blond, Nordic-looking and reading The Missionary Position by Bruce Dickinson. He's got a Henry Rollins Tour sticker on his bag. I peruse the bus queue -- it's quiet -- and launch the attack.

Me: "Has anyone told you you look like Keanu Reeves?"

Him: "Sorry?"

Me: "Keanu Reeves. You look like him."

Him: "Who's he?"

Me: "Y'know, Keanu. Bill and Ted. Speed. [Desperately wrack brain to think of more Keanu movies] Erm... he was in a Paula Abdul video once. [Think quickly] I think he hangs out with Henry Rollins too. You must know him."

Him: "No. . . don't think so." [Returns to book]

Me: [Desperately] "You must! Tall, dark, high cheekbones, half-Hawaiian, handsome... [Exasperated] He looks like you."

Him: "Oh. He was the bloke in Dracula who couldn't act."

Me: "Well that's a matter of opinion actually, but yes, that's him."

Him: "Oh. Right. And you think I look like him?"

Me: [Employ best cute smile, speak softly] "Yes."

Him: "You need glasses." [Grins and returns to book]

Me: [Getting brave] "Look, I think Keanu Reeves is quite handsome so you should take it as a compliment that I think you look like him."

Him: "Yeah." [Laughs] "Thanks." [Back to book]

Me: "Hey! I've been sitting here telling you that I think you look like one of the most handsome blokes on the planet. Has it dawned on you that I might be on the pull?"

Him: [Blankly] "Er. Yeah. I guess so."

Me: [Blushing] "And?"

Him: [Shrugging, good-naturedly] "I'd try him over there, if I were you. But don't use the Keanu line. It's crap."

Me: "I'm only doing this 'cause I'm a journalist and I'm researching a feature, you know."

Him: "I'd never guess."

[Cue no bus for at least 10 minutes and much embarrassed waiting]

FINAL ATTEMPT

Bannermans bar, Edinburgh (over the road from the Smugglers). Similar establishment. Similar clientele. No one looks like Keanu. Everyone looks like the Waltons. Approach boy with red hair and checked shirt staring into his pint. He looks pished -- but not pished enough to buy the Keanu line. I change tack.

Me: "Hi!"

Him: [Looks up from his pint glass, smiles weakly]

Me: "Has anyone ever told you you look like Bryan Adams?"

Him: "....."

Me: [Clears throat] "Has anyone ever told you you look like Bryan Adams?"

Him: "Cheers. [Stands up from bar stool. Whispers] No, really. Thanks a lot. Jeeeeeesus! Fucking bitch ..." [Stomps off to loo].




Tagged:

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure , Speed , Bram Stoker's Dracula





Comments

Guesthi (2009-04-21 05:06:25)
 i look like keanu

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