The Keanu Reeves Story
I've got a friend at Columbia-Sony-Tristar, so every so often I'm up there for lunch or a screening at the building on Madison Ave. The building's fantastic; marble floors and an immense lobby. Andy sometimes takes me into the 'tech' exhibit they've got there to show me what they've come up with in terms of cameras or things like High Definition Television.
So there I was, this was during the first week in February, not long after that huge snowstorm we had, slouching around the lobby waiting for Andy to come down and meet me. Some women were whispering excitedly and looking past my shoulder toward the tech exhibit, so I turned around. Keanu Reeves was in the doorway there, talking to a couple of people. They seemed like they were with him, and he was talking so softly that I couldn't hear him. He was wearing cowboy boots, tight blue jeans, a white T-shirt and one of those varsity-type jackets with the leather sleeves. In other words, he was dressed like rich people do on freezing winter days. The way people who don't have to schlep through snow-piled streets would dress, if they could.
The jacket he wore was open, and to my stunned delight, Keanu Reeves had a belly on him! At first I thought I was imagining it, or that this wasn't Keanu at all. But that black silky hair, and those almost-Chinese eyes made him unmistakable, despite the fact that he was looking pretty solemn. In recent years, he'd started fluctuating his weight for various film roles. He'd been positively skinny for "Little Buddha," and actually got husky looking for "Speed." I remember reading an article about how he enjoyed putting on the weight. How he liked how his chest had thickened, and didn't want to go for too much definition, because that wasn't what his character was about. At points during "Speed", I'd watch him tuck his badge into his jeans and hang on near Bullock's bus driver, and every so often, his beefy torso would bulge forward, putting the faintest of shadows around that badge as it impressed itself into the T-shirt covered fleshiness of his stomach.
His little group started walking in my direction, and I soaked in more details: Keanu looked slightly less broad shouldered than he did in "Speed," as if it took a lot of working out to get to that point, and he'd slacked off. But he was still a good-sized guy. Within fifteen feet of me, my suspicions were confirmed-he definitely had a belly on him! The belly seemed incongruous on a guy like him, almost funny in a way. But it was definitely sexy! He had indulged himself! Let himself fatten. What would his worshippers think? Everyone from Gus Van Sant to the little girls who still gazed at his pictures in Tiger Beat!
Keanu Reeves' fattened up belly could best be described as "fresh" and "sweet." It looked fresh in that the white cottony fabric of his T-shirt stretched over it, pulling near his navel, as if trying to contain something new, that hadn't been there when it first slid down over this man's body. Over the months since my own belly had begun to fatten a bit on my jock'ish body, I'd started to pull at my T-shirts, untucking them a little from tight Levi's to give the extra flesh room. At first it helped disguise the fact that I'd put on a few pounds; now, it provides some give, so I'm not reminded about how fat I'm getting every moment of the day. Keanu's T-shirt was pulled tight as a drum over his rounded abdomen, and tucked neatly into his jeans.
Keanu's new look boasted the two "dips" that are guaranteed to put iron into my 501's. The first dip was the one where his beefy chest curved down and in toward his diaphragm. When guys get too big, they turn into beach balls. No distinction between their chests and bellies. The masculine form disappears under huge mounds of blubber. Keanu's body still bore that concavity just below the breastbone, a dip just before the line of his profile began its journey outward once more, surmounting the forward roll of his blossoming belly before retreating once again into the tight confines of his jeans. (Oh, but for a view of the love handles that were surely there at his sides!)
The second "dip" was at the waistband of his jeans. This is what I call "the smile," the slight rounding of the denim, especially visible when there is no belt, a bowing downward to grant room for the voluptuous swell of the lower belly. The meat, low on Keanu's stomach had taken substance, fattening out from under his navel, pushing out over its denim confines. I could see the mild shadow beneath the bulge, throwing his belly into glorious relief.
It was over in seconds. But as a final bonus, the girls who saw him first waved shyly, just as he passed me. He broke into his patented grin, and I caught the slight double-chin that can still be seen in the latest issue of Premiere magazine. Keanu lifted one hand slightly, in a vague wave back. But I saw his other hand instinctively, unconsciously slip up to move over his sexy bulging belly. So sweet! He was being shy about it in that way that people are so shy about things that they inadvertently draw attention to them. At least my attention anyway. His fingers barely touched the fabric of his T-shirt at first. But then his hand came to rest there on the plush surface of his fattened Keanu-belly, for a split instant, as if he meant to do that in the first place, before he dropped it and moved toward the magazine store.
Man, to have been that hand! To have pushed at that belly, poked it, squeezed it, nibbled on it, teased at one of the biggest movie star celebrities in the world! It's the stuff of dreams. Later, according to one of those gossip shows, I'd learned that Keanu was "struggling with a battle of the bulge, "and that the 20 pounds he had recently gained was the prime reason he hadn't shown up for the Screen Actor's Guild Award show, despite the fact that he was in Manhattan during that snowstorm. Of course, he's dropping the weight now...but those fat cells will always be lovingly clinging to his lower torso. And time and again, when Keanu Reeves least expects it, that sexy belly will start to fatten up on him, and bulge.
May it start a Hollywood trend!