MSN Entertainment Channel (US), September 2000

Keanu Reeves: A Brief History

Lately it seems you can't take a stroll through the pop culture forest without bumping into Keanu Reeves. When the reluctant star isn't throwing bombs in The Replacements, chatting with or starring in The Watcher, he's raising the roof with his rock band, Dogstar. Now it's our turn to honor The One in an unusual evaluation of his illustrious career.

1987 The River's Edge

Mission: To be the moral center in this creepy film about a teenager who murders his girlfriend and brags about it to his friends.
Attire: Only the finest in metalhead regalia: a ratty tie-dye, faded Levi's, a beat-up leather jacket and a pair of Chuck Taylors.
Hairstyle: Imagine if Shaggy from "Scooby Doo" had his hair styled by Ozzy.
Predominant Facial Expression: Narcotized frown.
Best Line: "I really do need to get stoned."

1989 Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

Mission: To save himself—and an alien race—from the consequences of flunking history class.
Attire: A styling ensemble of Converse sneakers, knee-length sweats and a Van Halen T-shirt paired with a black suede vest.
Hairstyle: Shaggy, sweaty, overgrown bowl-cut.
Predominant Facial Expression: Blissed-out awe.
Best Line: "How's it going, Freud dude?"

1989 Parenthood

Mission: To bring a little perspective to a forlorn, single mother while bringing a little lovin' to her rebelling, adolescent daughter.
Attire: Late '80s K-Mart chic to boy-racer.
Hairstyle: Varies from the Dutch Boy on a windy day to a skater-punk/Chelsea girl hybrid.
Predominant Facial Expression: The life-is-bogus-but-I'm-stoked-about-it-anyway look.
Best Line: "I'm stupid, okay?"

1991 My Own Private Idaho

Mission: Helping director Gus Van Sant integrate Shakespeare's "Henry IV, Part I" with a meditation on the lives of Seattle's male prostitutes.
Attire: Street hustler chic.
Hairstyle: A slightly mussed variation on his standard style. Nothing compared to narcoleptic River Phoenix's eternal bedhead.
Predominant Facial Expression: "I'm doing Shakespeare here. Pay attention."
Best Line: "When you wake up, wipe the slugs off your face and get ready for a new day."

1991 Point Break

Mission: FBI agent Keanu learns to surf in order to catch the "Ex-Presidents," a team of bodacious bank robbers.
Attire: Wetsuit by O'Neill. When he's not shirtless with Lori Petty.
Hairstyle: That always-wet surfer hair.
Predominant Facial Expression: Focused, as if he were trying to memorize lines for "Much Ado About Nothing."
Best Line: "Hey! My name's Johnny Utah!"

Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey

Mission: In order to cheat death, Keanu (and pal Alex Winter) has to beat the Grim Reaper at his own—uh, at some board games. Then, it's off to fight and destroy Evil Robot Keanu.
Attire: Quintessential early-'90s dude wear.
Hairstyle: The perfect length for some air-guitar headbanging.
Predominant Facial Expression: Relatively alert (since he's playing a dead guy).
Best Line: "Dude, we are already dead."

1992 Bram Stoker's Dracula

Mission: Killing the world's most infamous vampire; desperately attempting to pull off an English accent; delivering a performance so bloodless that Dracula would be wise to look elsewhere for dinner.
Attire: High-collared and stiff, like his acting.
Hairstyle: Slicked-down, mid-1800s lawyer type. Later, tinged with gray that looks like it was sprayed on for a Halloween party.
Predominant Facial Expression: Befuddled blankness.
Best Line: "Dracula has left me with these women, these devils of the pit ... I was impotent with fear."

1993 Little Buddha

Mission: Saving the world and himself from the endless wheel of suffering known as Samsara. And getting a bitchin' tan.
Attire: Loincloth, beige shoe-polish foundation, all cloaked in an accent caught somewhere between Bombay and Santa Barbara.
Hairstyle: Shoulder-length skater punk, achieved with single swipe of a primitive knife when he realizes long hair is a hiding place for earthly desires.
Predominant Facial Expression: Nirvanic introspection.
Best Line: "What is this thing called pain?"

1994 Speed

Mission: Crazy Dennis Hopper has planted a bomb on a speeding bus, and SWAT team specialist Keanu must diffuse it, as well as charm the socks off Sandra Bullock.
Attire: With his loose-fit khakis, an all-purpose white tee and a plaid fleece, Keanu looks sprung from an L.L. Bean catalogue.
Hairstyle: Buzzed short and ready for action.
Predominant Facial Expression: Frustrated.
Best Line: "Pop quiz (expletive). You've got a hair trigger aimed at your head. What do you do? What do you do?"

1997 The Devil's Advocate

Mission: As a hotshot lawyer recruited to a New York City firm, Keanu nearly sells his soul to the devil, who looks an awful lot like Al Pacino.
Attire: Pure class captured in a smattering of tailored Giorgio Armani suits.
Hairstyle: Slicked back tight, Gordon Gekko-style.
Predominant Facial Expression: Alarmed.
Best Line: "Are we negotiating?"

1999 The Matrix

Mission: Keanu is chosen by elite group to tear down the Matrix, a computer program that masks our present reality.
Attire: Keanu sports more black than Angelina Jolie at the Academy Awards.
Hairstyle: Alternates between GQ casual and military standard shaved, making it easy to plug a cable into his skull.
Predominant Facial Expression: Confused.
Best Line: "Guns. Lots of guns."


Replacements, The , Watcher, The , Dogstar , River's Edge , Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure , Parenthood , My Own Private Idaho , Point Break , Much Ado About Nothing , Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey , Bram Stoker's Dracula , Little Buddha , Speed , Devil's Advocate, The , Matrix, The


Anakin McFly
(2009-05-05 16:01:59)

The Little Buddha entry amuses me more than it should.

And that was no beige. That was orange.

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