A Question of Relationships: Courting Keanu
Before you read any further, be warned: today's Relationship column is dedicated entirely to Keanu Reeves. So if the idea kind of makes you feel nauseated, please proceed to the Business section, thank you.
But before you start sending angry e-mails to condemn me for abusing this space, let me clear a few things up. The truth is, to begin with, I'm writing this at the behest of Lala, AKA Mother Superior - who, once she learned about our exclusive interview with the superstar, had a hard time restraining herself from gushing about him to just about everyone in sight.
In fact, I'm sure she would have trampled a room full of khunyings for the chance to have an up-close and personal rendezvous with the Reevester. But as someone had kindly reminded her, ogling does not become a woman of her age. And since death by drooling wouldn't be too flattering either, she hesitantly passed the torch on to me.
"He is such a babe!" she repeatedly exclaimed before staring me in the eyes and muttering under her breath through gritted teeth: "You must stop at nothing to get the low-down on him."
So there I was, high up on the 11th floor of the Banyan Tree Hotel, waiting to execute the Mission Impossible. Thoughts were racing through my mind on how, exactly, I would get the lowdown on His Keanuness.
Should I start stripping as soon as he came in? But then again, I don't have the cleavage to execute the act. I also wondered if at least the well-nourished hips I possess would attract him at all. But just seconds before I could commit the despicable act, he strode into the room.
There he was, Keanu Reeves himself in the flesh, along with his two band mates. The existence of these other fellows was strangely absent from my mind. But Keanu - although he appeared quite groggy, clad in a crumpled black suit and grey T-shirt, with his hair all dishevelled and his face stubby with whiskers - was hot-hot-hot! Truly, now I knew: whether with or without the smouldering crew cut or the ultra-tight leather suit, Keanu Reeves was still very much a Sex-On-A-Plate dish, on and off the screen.
Moving towards me and my colleagues, he offered his hand in greeting. And you know what? The moment he took my hand, the room's floor opened up into a whirlpool and all the Keanu and yours truly were instantly flushed out of sight. Or at least, I wished they had been. My memory of what followed is vague, except that Keanu's voice when he began singing "Edelweiss" (gulp!) was so soothing, his sparkling eyes so brown, and his cheeks so rosy like a choirboy's, that I felt like I was bathing in chocolate.
Otherwise, he hardly spoke and tried to avoid drawing any further attention to himself. He knows as much as the rest of the world that he was the only reason women bought tickets to the Dogstar gig. Just as we had tolerated watching a film about trout fishing, starring a crumpled Robert Redford, so we could get a closer look at Brad Pitt. Isn't he just so sweet?
Time flew, and before I knew it the interview was over. I was just about to get the real goods on the Sweet Prince of "Speed" and "The Matrix" when in marched the female villain in the form of VJ Paula of Channel V - wearing (can you believe it?!), a top cut so low that her navel was almost exposed.