Hecklerspray (US), July 9, 2009
Some Lady: Keanu Reeves Fathered My Kids And Won’t Add Me To His Bank Account
by Shawn Lindseth
Some might think the hardest part about being Keanu Reeves is hair management. Those who think this are right.
Others think the hardest part about being him is that he’s so fertile he can’t help but impregnate everything he touches - including houses, plants and that sticky brown stuff in the bottom of your fridge. With that in mind it becomes slightly easier to believe a woman who claims Keanu fathered all four of her children from deep inside a late night TV showing of the original Speed movie.
That’s not an exact quote, mind you, but it’s in the ballpark.
If any of you ladies have been wondering - Keanu Reeves is probably a terrible father. He doesn’t take his kids to baseball games, doesn’t check their homework, and for Pete’s sake he hasn’t once cleaned up their sick even when he’s the one standing closest to the mop.
But perhaps that’s only true when he’s not actually related to the kids these crazy ladies keep trying to throw onto his family tree. One woman, for instance, claims he is definitely the sperm donor for her four children. It all seems pretty Michael Jackson-ish, actually. Her name is Karen Sala, and although Reeves’ lawyers deny outright that any of these baby-making allegations are true, she swears they are. Here’s an exact quote from the woman:
“He (Reeves) doesn’t stay away, he constantly comes and checks up and everything. It’ll come out. The truth is a strange thing and sometimes no one’s prepared for it… It will come out. You have to have faith.”
Well hang in there, lady. And if it ends up Reeves is legally freed from parental responsibility, well maybe Richard Gere is the father or something. She should probably follow him with a sandwich bag until he spits out some DNA-soaked chewing gum or something.
And if it ends up Reeves really is the father, well that really won’t matter for long. All he’ll have to do is get in a phone booth, travel back in time and successfully convince himself to not bring those bottles of cheap wine and a VHS copy of Point Break over to that extremely fertile lady’s house on at least four distinct occasions.
While he’s back there he might as well tell himself not to make the second two Matrix movies, that film where he fights all those devils, and his past self should definitely be told that flattening people with his Porche will only get him in court.
We’re just saying