Keanu Reeves Is Not A Good Actor And I Can't Stop Watching His Movies
Keanu Reeves will be one of many stars presenting on Oscar night. I'm not sure why. My sister has a theory that he sold his soul to the devil and in return, claimed all the roles that Brendan Fraser was supposed to have. I find that a bit far fetched. I'm not sure I believe all this devil deal-making stuff, but I'd bet you ten dollars he's a Jedi Knight.
I don't know what it is. I'm transfixed. His acting is horrible and I love it. Even in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Parenthood (one of my favorites). Sure, he plays a moron and that helps, but still, not good.
Then there was Point Break. Keanu played an undercover FBI agent infiltrating a band of bank-robbing surfers led by the smallest country bad-ass ever and my hero, Patrick Swayze (RIP, Patrick. You were the best cooler in the business.) And all I can think while I write this is how stupid that plot sounds and how great of a movie it was. He was terrible and I've worn out the DVD. I'll give him this: He was better in this movie than most of his flicks. I think because he was playing an FBI agent playing a surfer. It confused him just enough to pull it off nicely. He seems to excel when playing confused or really dumb. I'll give him credit where it's due.
The Matrix Trilogy: He almost pulled it off in the first one, but I'm going to give this one to "confusion" again. As soon as he figured out he was a battery fueling the machine world, he went back to sucking. And when he actually accepted he was "the one," then I could hardly watch each of the installments a minimum of 24 times. I even wrote a post about how I wanted to be a battery.You don't have to hook me up to The Matrix. I'll just chill-out naked in my goo pod all day and watch robots fly around. "Hey, you, can I get a coke over here? Also, my goo is getting a little chilly. Can you hit the thermostat? I can't reach it." I hope that's what Heaven is like.
The Devil's Advocate. Wow. A movie in which he actually sells his soul to the devil, somewhat supporting my sister's theory. In this film, Keanu showed us his southern accent. Or something. Brad Pitt did a better southern accent in Troy. (By the way, why did everyone in ancient Troy have an English accent except for Brad Pitt? We'll tackle that another time.) Anyway, it's been awhile since I've seen either of these so I'm looking for them right now on my On Demand Menu.
It's a sickness. Sure, I've listed some great movies. For many, great movies and good supporting actors can often offset the work of one bad actor, but that's what's funny about this. Normally, one bad actor would ruin it for me. Yet with Keanu, it's almost as if his bad acting doesn't exist. It doesn't bother me at all and I wouldn't accept it from anyone else, especially at his level. I'm telling you. It's a Jedi Mind Trick.
Case in point:
Johnny Mnemonic: Keanu plays a data transporter who stores information in his computer brain. Ice T was in it. Dolph Lundgren, too. Dolph played a preacher who killed people with his implanted robot strength. A cybernetic dolphin leads the rebellion against the evil corporation giving everyone the new plague. Recap: Robot Dolph vs. Robot Dolphin. Worst movie I've ever seen fifty times.
The Replacements: He was so, so bad in this and it wasn't even a good movie. It was so far from football realistic that it was almost unwatchable for the football purist and movie-goer alike. It was campy, formulaic and on the other night so I recorded it. I'm going to watch it after The Matrix marathon is over.
Constantine: This was his all time worst. In Constantine, he played a tough-as-nails, street-cop-ish exorcist assigned by God to send demons back to Hell. It was maybe his largest departure and in my opinion, his most epic failure as an actor. I'm pretty sure my brain explodes every time I watch it, which is usually on Tuesday movie night.
The Lake House: No.
I don't know what it is, but it's not only me. It's happening to everyone. Keanu is presenting at the Oscars. His peers even think he can act while knowing he can't. Jedi trickery. He uses it for his band, too. "We're making good music. Your ears aren't bleeding. That's happy juice your ears make from happy noise."
I'm not sure exactly what's going on here, but one thing is for sure: On Oscar night, I'll be painfully watching him awkwardly make it through his lines and enjoying every second of it.