Videogum (US), September 8, 2010
Sad Keanu Just Fucking With Us Now
You know what? He’s probably not even sad. This is probably some kind of long con. He gets us all to feel bad for him, and to invite him into our homes for a cup of hot soup and some friendly conversation, and the next thing you know, he has moved into the guest bedroom. At first we just tell our friends that it’s because he’s so sad, and that he just needs a place to recharge his batteries. But then our friends start pointing out that he sure doesn’t seem sad when they hear him laughing into his cell phone with the door closed, or sitting on our couch eating all our food and shouting at the television. But so then we explain that if anything, this is just a sign that we’ve done the right thing. Wasn’t the whole point of inviting Keanu inside to cheer him up? So it’s working! Good for us! Great for him! A few months go by, and now we are starting to think that maybe our friends had a point. Is he ever going to leave? And now when he makes his sad face it feels fake somehow. Is he faking his sad face? But you don’t want to tell someone that you think they’re faking their sad face. That’s a pretty intense thing to say to someone, and if they aren’t faking their sad face, then you’ll just make them sadder, and if you just make them sadder than maybe they really won’t ever leave. And then one day you wake up, and you’re lying in a bathtub of ice, and Sad Keanu is gone, along with all of your furniture, the contents of your bank account, and your kidney. CLASSIC LONG CON.