K-SWAT ARCHIVES: 0003
19th Feb 2008 - Response to mock letter To Whom It May Concern: Keanu Reeves Edition
| 2nd Breakfast Enterprises |
Disclaimer: This letter is created entirely for entertainment purposes. If you are easily offended by things of a sarcastic nature, do not read. We do not own any movies/actors mentioned in this letter. --- 2nd Breakfast Enterprises
Mr. Reeves
Dear Mr. Reeves: We here at 2nd Breakfast Enterprises feel the need to inform you that the peoples of the world are no longer in need of your acting services. In fact, we were never in need of seeing your horrific visage presented in films such as the Matrix Trilogy, Much Ado About Nothing, Speed, Dracula, Chain Reaction, etc. Those movies had a decent shot at joining countless others in the category of legendary films, but once your name is added to the billing the only list a film can be added to is Forgettable Unstimulating Constipated Krap. F.U.C.K. Much Ado About Nothing. the only reason that this film is still considered decent is because, fortunately for you, it was about nothing and therefore no one really gave a flying monkey’s ballsac that you can’t grow facial hair properly. But even if you did miraculously obtain the ability to produce properly grown, non-patchy hair upon the grotesque profile that reminds us of a racoon’s vomitous buttocks – otherwise known as your face – still your lack of talent and on-screen magnetism would force us to consider the anorexic and drugged-up Nicole Richie as a more likely contender for an Oscar. Moreover, you do not, and will not ever belong in a Shakespearean production; you are far beneath it, so do not make and attempt at it again. Unfortunately for you, you also appeared in a film that was adapted, directed, and starred in by the creative genius that is Kenneth Branagh (who can, by the way, grow a properly attractive beard). And since we’re on this particular topic, it is quite obvious to us that a certain deficiency in anatomy on your part must be the cause of your atrociously pathetic attempts at facial hair. Kenneth Branagh, based on what we’ve seen of his…beard…does not suffer from this deficiency. In fact, there is hardly anything about the man that could not be classified as extraordinary. (This brings us to an imperative question: Are the hormones that you are so obviously taking meant for, in fact, women?) Now that we have efficiently emasculated your person, for which you are quite welcome, we feel that it is high time we discuss the travesty that is your feeble attempt at an accent. You are not British, we realize this; however, if Miss All-American Pretty, Pretty Princess Winona Ryder can pull of a decent British accent, you certainly should be able to as well. You were upstaged by a woman. How does that feel? Hmm? Warm and toasty, we’ll bet. Word of advice: take $500 out of the $20 million average that you bring in while imposing on the world with your untalent and buy a speech coach for a week. It’ll do wonders for your career and your egotistical male nature. To sum up, you are the lining of the bowels of today’s movie-making society. If manure were to be transmogrified into the personage of an actor, you would most likely be it. Sincerely, Raevyn & Tabitha
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| K-SWAT: Anakin McFly |
First off, yes I have a sense of humour and am not easily offended by things of a sarcastic nature. However, I also happen to be a jobless teenager recently graduated from high school who has with nothing better to do, so excuse me while I pick apart your fic entitled 'To Whom It May Concern: Keanu Reeves Edition'. While the opinions expressed in it are fine with me, I would however like to correct some of the glaringly inaccurate facts that were either mentioned or indirectly implied. Starting with the first paragraph: with regards to The Matrix, that film would not have made it off the ground if Keanu had not been part of it. The Wachowskis had had to go through countless actors, many of whom declined the part either because they didn't understand the script or because they thought it would be a flop. Will Smith for one turned down the role of Neo to act in Wild Wild West, which he thought would be more successful. Keanu was the only actor who showed a willingness to commit to the role, with all its physical (three months intensive training) and mental (the Wachowskis gave him a short reading list of heavy duty philosophy books, which he was told to read before opening the script) preparation, putting some of his own money into the project when the Wachowskis hit financial difficulties. Meanwhile, The Matrix trilogy and Speed are far from forgettable unstimulating constipated krap. Speed changed the face of movie action heroes to come; The Matrix was a turning point in the history of science fiction cinema, and constantly makes it to best of sci-fi lists. If that part was just sarcasm, ignore me. Now, Shakespeare. Keanu is very, very obsessed with Shakespeare; interviewers have become used to him quoting large chunks of the plays at random moments. When playing hockey in his younger days in Canada, he would recite Shakespeare to calm himself down while playing. He has also been known to recite Shakespeare out loud while walking down the street, just for the fun of it: "On my set he always recited Shakespeare. All of the sudden, he's seen walking along the freeway, reciting whole sections of the different plays - and I mean loud, really as if an audience were there." - Jan De Bont Later in his life, Keanu appeared in a Canadian stage production of Hamlet, and was described by London's Sunday Times Shakespearean critic Roger Lewis as 'one of the best three Hamlets' he had ever seen. Other reviews for that play ranged from brilliant to mediocre; none of them were blatantly bad. Basically, Keanu and Shakespeare are good friends. Deal with it. Keanu's British accent in Dracula was actually not as bad as most people bring it up to be. An English person commented on how he had been trying for an upper-class English accent, which naturally sounds funny to people unused to it, but which he had actually done a pretty accurate impression of. Keanu did do quite a bit of preparation for that - he visited England some time prior to the film shoot, and spent time getting to know the country and listening to people speak. In addition, Keanu's own mother is British, so he would have had a fairly good idea of how the accent sounds. He would have known if he was getting it wrong. That aside, Keanu still admits that his work in Dracula was probably the worst performance he has ever given. On his money: family, friends and co-stars have repeatedly described Keanu as one of the most generous people they have ever known. Being specific, he gave away 50 million pounds to the costume and special effects teams who worked on The Matrix, and he bought a Harley Davidson motorbike for each of the twelve stuntmen on the film; in addition, he has chanelled millions into cancer research. Many times he has said that he doesn't need any more money, because he could live off what he's earned so far for centuries. There was a point in Keanu's life when he lived a nomadic lifestyle, moving from hotel to hotel, and occasionally sleeping on the street right next to the homeless bums and stray animals. How many other Hollywood celebrities would be able to swallow their pride and do something like that instead of spending all their time in the luxury of their multi-million dollar mansions? Regarding his 'egotistical male nature', people who know him say that he has none. As FFN won't display links, here are the quotes: "You know, Keanu's an incredibly funny guy, and he doesn't think he is. The first thing he ever said to me was "I don't have a sense of humour." Progressively, I think we discovered it. He was courteous and kind and void of any ego. He's like a cat." - Sandra Bullock "He's just about the sweetest guy you'll ever meet in Hollywood. He's the most polite person I've ever met in my entire life. Everything is 'please' and 'thank you' to everyone on the set, and I thought that was pretty impressive." - Charlize Theron "He never, with words or anything else, said 'I'm special or different' and never asked for anything special." - Mike Mills "What I like about Keanu is the sense of shyness about him. You'd expect more of a cocky, suave [guy] since he's such a sex symbol. But he was very simple. I tend to wing every shoot, and I found him just sitting there a thousand times more interesting." - Robert Maxwell "I can't explain how nice and mellow he is. It's just as weird for him, and he's famous, so it's probably weirder. It's really an out-of-body experience." - Lauren Graham "Working with Keanu is like working with one of my electricians or the grip or anybody. The worst thing you could do was pay too much attention to him." - Mike Mills "He's like a really sweet, kind person, and I wouldn't say that about many people in this town. He has his own group of friends, and he's not a scenester. He's a cool guy. He keeps his distance from all the **. He's smart, too." - Sophia Coppola "I've never heard him ever say anything bad about anyone, and I've never heard him gossip about anything or anyone. Keanu just sees the good in other people." - Carrie-Anne Moss "There's a beautiful innocence about him, a direct line or empathy that the audience picks up. He feels things deeply and conveys them without saying anything or even displaying them in his face. I think when he looks in the mirror he doesn't see a leading man or even a good-looking guy. At different times, he may see a hobo or a guy in an alley, shuffling through life with no food in the refrigerator." - Richard Linklater "Everytime he'll do a take like, "Oh that sucks, let's just go again." He's talking to himself, but it sounds like he's yelling at somebody." - Richard Linklater "You know, there's not one bit of movie-star ego in that guy... He's incredibly focused and incredibly disciplined, and I mean unlike anyone I've ever met." - Carrie-Anne Moss I hope that all this has managed to sway your opinion of Mr. Reeves by at least a little bit. Thank you for reading, and have a nice day. - Anakin McFly
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