Matrix Revolutions: The Other Versions (2)
Written by Anakin McFly
Collection 2
- The Internet Version
- The Children's Version: The Return of Enid
- The Musical Version: The Sound of the Matrix
- The Cheap Video Game Version: Ready, Set, FIGHT!
- The Shakespeare Version: Spoon or No Spoon; That is the Question
- The Happy Tree Friends Version: Happy Matrix Friends
- The Emo Version
- The Emu Version
- The D-Movie Magic Version
- The Twitter Version
9. The Internet Version
Smith v Neo, city map. Smith pwned Neo. Neo respawned and pwned Smith. "lulz noob," Neo said.
10. The Children's Version: The Return of Enid
See Smith! See Smith run! Run, Smith, run!
See Neo! See Neo run! Run, Neo, run!
See Smith hit Neo!
Neo hit Smith too. That was very naughty of him. Just because somebody hits you doesn't mean you can hit them back, because two wrongs do not make a right.
The Oracle appeared on the street between the quarrelsome duo. "That was very naughty of you," she told them. "Good children should be nice to each other and not fight. Look at how you've hurt each other!"
"But he's The One," Smith said. "I have to fight him. It's my purpose."
"There you go now, using such big words like 'purpose'!" the Oracle said, tut-tutting gently and shaking her head.
"And we're not children," Neo said rudely.
The Oracle smiled. "Trying to be all grown up now, are you?" she asked, ruffling his hair. "Well, little Tommy, you've still got quite a way to go. Now why don't the both of you boys come in out of the rain? You'll catch such dreadful colds if you insist on playing out here! I've made your favourite cookies, fresh from the oven. I'm sure you'll enjoy them!"
"You're not supposed to be here!" Smith said angrily. "I thought I took over you, but apparently all that's done is addle your brains."
"Now, now, Smithykins, please watch your language! Let's all try to keep this PG-5, shan't we?"
"This is ridiculous," Neo muttered darkly.
The Oracle turned sharply to look at him. "What did you say?"
Neo just stared back. "Who are you, really?" he asked. "Enid Blyton ressurected from the dead?"
The Oracle pursed her lips and a dark look came into her eyes. "Thomas, you will learn the price of your insolence!" she said.
"Wha..."
A bolt of lightning struck down from the sky, throwing Neo and Smith off their feet and briefly illuminating the Oracle's face, broken into a grin of pure evil.
Lying on the ground, Neo felt a weird sensation come over him. He blinked, rubbed his eyes, tried to get up, tripped over his trenchcoat and fell back down, in front of the horrified eyes of Smith.
The two now-six-year-olds stared unbelievingly at each other.
"No way," Neo whispered, and his voice had changed – higher, younger. He looked at his small hands and then at the Oracle, who was now all-smiles again. Next to Neo, Smith blinked blearily. Neo pulled off his trenchcoat, stood up, and tried to stop his pants from falling off. "What do you do that for?" he blurted out to the Oracle.
The Oracle smiled benevolently at the two young boys. "Do what, dear?" she asked. "And my goodness, Tommy, you're practically drenched! Just how long have the two of you been out here?"
Smith was busy mouthing random words, having a lot of things to say but not knowing quite how to say them. He lapsed into an angry confused silence.
The Oracle smiled again and put her arms around the two of them. "Well, let's not waste any more time, shall we? The cookies will get all cold and horrid, and you know how much you hate cold cookies!"
They were greeted at the foot of the staircase by a pair of highly confused adult Smith clones. The Oracle beamed at them. "Did you make them all by yourself, Smithykins?" she asked the six-year-old. How frightfully clever of you!"
"B...d...b... What?" Smith finally managed to exclaim. "What's all this supposed to mean? This isn't supposed to happen! I'm supposed to fight him, I'm supposed to win, and..."
The Oracle patted him on the shoulder. "Now, now, let's not get all ruffled, shall we? What's all this talk about fighting? Why don't we all go into the nice warm kitchen and have some cookies first. Then you can tell the Oracle all about it."
She pushed her way past the two bewildered Smith clones and up the stairs. She hummed a short string of notes, and suddenly the darkened building was flushed of all the other clones. She opened a door, and the three entered a cheery-looking kitchen. Freshly baked cookies lay on the table, and Neo started salivating despite himself. He kicked himself on the leg for giving in to the lure of the cookies, hurt, and then wondered if this constituted child abuse.
Through the window came the view of the storm outside, along with the many rows of confused Smiths who were wondering just what was going on.
The Oracle made Neo and Smith wash their hands, then got them seated at the table and gave them each a cookie.
Neo reluctantly nibbled on the cookie; then its sweetness filled his mouth and he just had to eat more of it. Smith reached into the cookie tray for a second one, unable to stop as well. They were delicious, after all.
The Oracle smiled as she watched the two children eating. The ones in the Real World are next, she thought evilly.
She wondered if Morpheus would have hair as a child.
11. The Musical Version: The Sound of the Matrix
The same rain-spattered city scene of the previous chapters greet our eyes as Neo and Smith start walking towards each other.
A music beat starts up in the background.
On closer inspection, we see the Smith clones moving in tandem with the beat and snapping their fingers as they start to line dance.
Smith opens his mouth and he starts to sing.
Neo vs Smith
Verse 1:
(SMITH) Good evening, Mr. Anderson, it's great to have you here
It would be nice if in your eyes you show a little fear
You know that in the end I'll win; there's no reason to fight-
(NEO) I'm sorry, Smith, but this all ends tonight
CHORUS:
The Virus and The One are doing battle in the street
It's really quite astounding
A wondrous visual treat
The fate of all the humans will be sealed for good tonight
Depending on the outcome of this fight
INSTRUMENTAL
Bridge 1:
(SMITH) Why, Mr. Anderson
Why do you persist
I've seen it all; I know I'll win
There's no point in resisting me
Verse 2:
(NEO) The future's always changing, Smith; you can't be sure I'll lose
And so I'll keep on fighting you, because that's what I choose
No matter what, the end is here; I only stand to gain
So give in now, it'll spare you lots of pain.
CHORUS
Bridge 2:
(SMITH) Why get up, why keep fighting?
Do you believe that you're fighting for something?
Love or truth, freedom or justice?
Illusions!
(CLONES) Illusions, illusions, vagaries of perception
They stand in the way of perfection
CHORUS
Change key
FINAL CHORUS
12. The Cheap Video Game Version: Ready, Set, FIGHT!
Neo never remembered the Matrix being so pixellated. "Strange," he thought, but then he saw Smith standing opposite him in a weird position.
He was about to laugh, then realised that he too was standing in a weird position.
"Round One!" a voice shouted out of nowhere. Neo blinked.
"Uh..." Neo said.
"FIGHT!" yelled the voice. Neo jumped in shock and fell down. The little red bar over his head grew a little shorter. He didn't recall ever having a little red bar above his head, but was spared from wondering about it any further when Smith charged into him and let off a rather cool combo that caused Neo's bar to shrink into nothing.
He died.
Corny victory music played for Smith's benefit; and then, just as Neo was getting used to being dead, he found himself rudely ressurected and standing in the same strange position as before.
"Round Two!" went the same disembodied voice, but this time Neo was more prepared for it and retained enough of his composure to shout back.
"Who are you?" Neo asked.
"You're not supposed to ask questions," Smith hissed out of a corner of his mouth.
"You're not supposed to ask questions," the mysterious voice affirmed.
"But-"
"FIGHT!"
Smith lunged a fist towards him. Neo turned and ran, and crashed into an invisible barrier. The red bar above his head grew shorter.
dfsa;lkufopwr, thought Neo. He pounded against the invisible barrier, the red bar getting shorter with each pound. Then it was gone.
Oh no, not again, Neo thought in frustration as he died.
---
"Round Three!"
"This isn't the Matrix," Neo said. "Where am I?"
"Don't ask questions. FIGHT!"
Smith launched a bazooka at him. Neo died.
---
"Round Four!"
"Not again!"
"FIGHT!"
Smith threw a bowl of petunias at him. Neo died.
---
"Round Five!"
"LET ME OUT OF HERE!"
"FIGHT!"
Smith whipped out a lightsaber and sliced him up. Neo died.
---
"Round Six!"
"AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!11"
"FIGHT!"
Smith force-fed him food from my school canteen. Neo died.
---
"Round Seven!"
"No... please, no... no more... let me out... let me-"
"Neo?"
"I don't wanna fight any more..."
"Wake up, dude."
Neo blinked. Suddenly, the pixellated and badly-coloured surroundings vanished and he woke up to see Ted shaking him awake. Neo blinked again and raised his head from the computer table where he'd fallen asleep.
"Wha'?" Neo asked.
"Want some popcorn?" Ted asked, offering him the bowl.
13. The Shakespeare Version: Spoon or No Spoon; That is the Question
Act V Scene V
NEO:
And now stand I on this dark and wet day,
Awaiting my foe to deal me my fate.
Perchance I shall be victor; yet perhaps
The hands of Time hath other plans in mind.
Such I will accept as my destiny;
The whole of Zion puts their faith in me.
SMITH:
Observe this storm: see, the rain and dark clouds.
This world is mine to keep; challenge me not.
I have since seen into the future time
Through the eyes of the once great Oracle
Who, a pity, is now gone. But no – hush!
She lives still. Each thought of hers in my mind
Her powers mine. To use, to own, to see.
Stand down, Anderson, this battle is mine.
Throw not your futile strength against my might.
NEO:
You do well to talk, stretching your discourse
Into poor mock'ry of one late William.
Sooth, I do the same; but hypocrisy
Is one of the forty-two great virtues.
Put your fists where your tongue is, man, and fight.
Smith sticks his fingers into his mouth.
NEO:
Alas, poor fool. Figuratively, idiot.
They fight. Neo gets in a punch, and Smith falls.
NEO:
lulz noob
Smith gets up, and they continue fighting.
SMITH:
(aside)
Look at all the mes watching us battle!
They continue fighting. Smith punches Neo. Neo punches Smith. They fly up into the dark and stormy sky and have a pretty aerial battle. They land, creating a crater in the ground. Smith punches Neo. Neo falls.
SMITH:
Give up, give up, I say. For what, fight you?
Your efforts are vain, their fruits but little.
Many fight for survival. But I see
That more than self-interest motivates thee.
'Tis love, perhaps? For a woman? A man?
Speak; you are a quiet adversary.
NEO:
Hear this: I fight not for riches or gain
Or any self-fulfilling want of man.
I fight not for love. I fight not for hate.
There is but one reason that stirs my soul
To this end. I fight because I choose to.
SMITH:
A foolish choice.
NEO:
It ends tonight.
SMITH:
Those words were meant for utt'rance at the start.
NEO:
I forgot my lines. Deal with it.
Neo gets up, and the fight continues in the crater. Smith rises into the air and looks evil.
SMITH:
THIS IS MY WORLD! MY WORLD!
Neo gets blasted back against the crater wall. Smith lands and looks at him.
SMITH:
(aside)
Ah, but what is this, what is this I see?
Marry, mine eyes hath beheld this before.
Anderson, fallen hero lying there
Whilst I enjoy my victory o'er him.
But look! defiance shineth in his eyes.
This stubborness, it looketh bad on him.
(to Neo)
This scene I remember. The end is now.
For all things that begin must one day pass.
All life is but a play; your part in it
Now concluded. Fare thee well, Anderson.
Neo inches himself off the ground and gets shakily to his feet. He approaches Smith, looking hungry.
SMITH:
No, fiend. Halt! Your time is up. Move no more.
Why do you yet attempt to come near me?
NEO:
As always, you are right. All that starts, ends.
Smith sticks his hand into Neo. Gooey black stuff comes out and covers him, turning Neo not into a Smithpet, but into just another boring ol' Smith clone thing.
Nothing much very interesting is going to happen now, apart from a lot of exploding people. We can now depart from them, and cut to a cemetery somewhere in England.
One of the graves look recently disturbed, as if someone buried beneath had just done a fair bit of rolling over. Above it, the tombstone marks the spot and gives the name of the deceased: William Shakespeare.
14. The Happy Tree Friends Version: Happy Matrix Friends
The lines of Smiths held hands and danced, the music of their joyous singing filling the air.
"La la lalala! La la la lalala! La la lalala! Lalala lalala!"
It was raining heavily. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning struck down and split a line of Smiths horizontally into two. The Smith half-bodies fell to the ground, twitching spasmodically.
Neo pointed and laughed.
The Ice Age came on them and froze the rain clouds. They fell as huge boulders of ice, collapsing several buildings with Smiths in them.
Neo pointed and laughed.
Then an ice boulder landed on him and he stopped laughing.
"AAHHHH!" Neo yelled. He clawed at the ice boulder on top of him. Technically, he should have been able to move it, being The One and all, but this was a Happy Matrix Boulder and didn't understand that it was supposed to move.
So Neo had to get out the hard way. He dug at the ground and finally crawled over out of his self-made tunnel, his fingers worn down to bloody stumps half their original length.
He looked at them.
"Whoa," he concluded intelligently.
He squeezed a finger. Blood spurted out. Neo giggled.
"BLOOD FINGERS!" he yelled, squirting blood at the singing Smiths.
The blood stopped spurting out. He frowned, then squeezed his forearm instead. Blood gushed out. He grinned.
"MORE AMMO!" he yelled, firing jets of blood into the air.
Smith rushed him. Neo punched him in the face. Smith's eyeballs burst, and Neo squirted copious amounts of blood into his eye sockets.
Then Neo died of anaemia. The end.
15. The Emo Version
the world is crying.
streaks of dark wet down concrete and sharp glass.
it is over. all over!
why can't they see that?
why don't they understand??
there is no hope left.
the sun will shine no more, just like in the real world.
yet they still want me to save them.
they can't even save themselves.
Neo dragged the shard of broken glass yet another time across his already-serrated left wrist. The pattern of split flesh on this wrist was slightly less artistic-looking than the one on his right, what with him being left-handed and all.
This made him even more depressed. He picked up his pen and notebook again to write:
i cant even slash my wrists prettily
im so useless
and they still want me to save them!!
why dont they just kill me already if they want me to die??
why must they get smith to do it for them??
"Mr. Anderson," came a voice through gritted teeth. "We are starting to lose our patience."
Neo flung the blood-spattered notebook angrily at the floor and glared at Smith. "CAN'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE??" he yelled, getting to his feet. "Do you think it's easy being the One and all that, huh? Do you think I like saving the world??"
Smith arched an eyebrow. "Mr. Anderson, are you wearing eyeliner?"
Neo scowled. "Why would you care?" he demanded. "All you want is to take over the world and destroy me, right? RIGHT?? So why're you just standing there, huh? KILL ME, then! KILL ME!!!" Neo threw his arms wide open. Blood dripped from his wrists, splashing red into the puddles of rain on the road. Cheap eyeliner ran in black streaks down his face. Some of it got into his mouth. This made him even more depressed, because eyeliner doesn't taste good.
Neo let out a low moan and sank to his knees. "Why me?" he asked in a desperate whisper, face raised to the heavens, his eyes shut in the pain of existence. "What did I do to deserve this?"
There was a brief moment of divine silence, and then a loud voice came out of the sky and said in a thoughtful sort of way:
"John Constantine slashes his wrists better than you do."
"AAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!"
It was around this moment that Smith realised that leaving Neo alone with that shard of glass would be most likely to result in a highly mangled and un-take-over-able body.
So he did the practical thing and saved Neo from himself, black Smithgoo mixing with black runny eyeliner and turning the angsty Neo into an angsty Smith.
Smith adjusted the tie of his new clone. "Is it over?" he asked.
The Smith-that-had-been-Neo grimaced and turned away. "Why do you care?" he muttered.
Then every Smith exploded, and all that was left was the grey rain falling on the sodden pages of a blood-spattered notebook that lay in a puddle, never again to be privy to the poetical angstings of The One.
16. The Emu Version
Neo frowned slightly at the large bird that greeted him when he entered the Matrix for the last time.
"Where's Smith?" he asked.
The large bird cocked his head at him.
The sound of fluttering drove Neo's attention to the sides of the road, and he took an involuntary step backwards.
Both sides of the road were lined with birds. Large birds. Emus.
"This is impossible," Neo said quietly, backing off from the first emu.
The rows of emus cocked their heads at him.
"SMITH!" Neo yelled. "I know you're here!"
The two rows of emus suddenly started advancing towards each other, closing in on Neo.
"Smith?" Neo called out again. "What's with all these... birds..."
The first signs of panic started to appear on his face as the emus got ever closer, their beaks opening and closing menacingly, the beady eyes of a hundred emus fixated on Neo.
"This is insane," he muttered, and bent down into a crouch to prepare to fly off into the sky.
Then there was a loud crashing noise, and the largest emu Neo had ever seen smashed through the outer walls of one of the buildings and fell straight down to squash him flat.
A loud joyous rabid chirping filled the air as the hundred emus threw themselves onto Neo, creating the largest pile of emus that had ever been witnessed in the Matrix. For a while, all that could be seen of Neo was a feebly twitching hand, but then that too disappeared beneath a mass of feathers, beaks, and emu feet.
Down the street now sounded the steady clop of footsteps. Smith walked up to the pile of emus, looked at it, and his lips curved upwards in a small smile.
"As you see, Mr. Anderson," he said, addressing the pile of emus, "there has been... a slight change of plan."
A late emu came bounding out of a side street and joined its brothers and sisters with a 'plop' sound. Smith viewed it with some distaste.
"Goodbye, Mr. Anderson," he finally said, and walked away to celebrate his victory.
He and his copies feasted on emu that night.
17. The D-Movie Magic Version
The rain fell in bucketfuls, which Neo found kind of painful whenever he found himself in the way of one.
Another load of water fell squarely on his head with a splash. He spluttered and took off his shades to wipe them dry, only to receive another bucketful that stung his eyes and pissed him off.
"Stop that," he hissed, but the trigger-happy rain-effects dude named Fred paid no attention as he cheerily lifted another bucket of water and upturned it.
Neo dodged it just in time and watched with relief as the water missed him. This made Fred sadface. He knew that The One could dodge bullets, but he was of the opinion that water moved faster and didn't like seeing his theory debunked.
"Mr Anderson!" Smith said. "Welcome back. We... missed y- URgLE!"
Neo gained some satisfaction from seeing the bucketful of water emptied over his nemesis.
"Like what I've done to the place?" Smith continued, unperturbed but a little louder to show his anger.
The place in question was a long-disused backlot of Warner Brothers studios, which was now full of painted cardboard pieces pretending to be buildings. On both sides of the street a row of cardboard Smiths stood staring solidly ahead at nothing.
Neo prodded one. It fell over and got caught in the next deluge of water.
This made Smith angryface.
Neo shoved more cardboard Smiths over and watched with glee as they all toppled and got soaked. He stole a guilty glance at Smith to see if he had noticed.
He had.
"What are you doing, Mr. Anderson?" Smith bellowed.
Neo kicked another cardboard Smith over in answer. "That," he said, pointing, in case the practical demonstration had been lost on Smith.
Smith burned with rage. That's it, he decided, and in a sudden swift motion reached into his coat pocket, whipped out a slender wooden stick, and pointed it at Neo. "AVADA KEDAVRA!" he yelled.
A bolt of green shot out of the wand towards Neo. Impact. A whole lot of bacteria on the trenchcoat of The One met a sad and untimely end. But there was no time for mourning; Neo whisked out his own wand that he had stolen off the Harry Potter set next door and jabbed it in Smith's direction. "Diffindo!"
Smith's shades shattered to pieces.
Neo whirled around and pointed the wand at the rain-effects dude named Fred. "Aguamenti!" he shouted. Jets of water shot out of his wand and hit Fred before he had time to react. Neo smiled. Revenge was sweet.
But then Neo found himself placed under the Imperius Curse by Smith, who then spent several happy seconds forcing The One to tap dance.
Neo finally broke free of the curse. "Wingardium Leviosa!" he yelled, swishing and flicking hysterically at the various cardboard Simths littered around the street. They levitated into the air, and Neo hurled them at his opponent.
"Incendio!" Neo shouted at a curious emu left over from the previous chapter. It caught fire and exploded.
"Sectumsempra!" Neo shouted at a curious emo left over from the previous chapter. Bloody slashes appeared all over the emo's body, to his great exhilaration. Then he died.
"Crucio!" screamed Smith as he flung his wand at Neo. It hit Neo on the head, which kind of hurt, but not as badly as it would have if Smith had held on to his wand.
Then the Harry Potter director from next door appeared and said please could he have his props back, and by the way had anyone seen his pet emu Oscar?
18. The Twitter Version
MyNameIsNeo: Entering Matrix. Fighting Smith. Saving the world.
AgentSmith: @MyNameIsNeo Missster Annnnderson. Welcome back. We... missed you.
MyNameIsNeo: Still not over Trin's death. FML. #lifesucksiwanttocutmyself
MorpheusOfTheHair: Get on with it, Neo. You fight for us.
Trinity!Surprise!: @MyNameIsNeo hi.
MyNameIsNeo: @Trinity!Surprise! I thought that you being killed would kill you.
Trinity!Surprise!: @MyNameIsNeo most guys do.
MyNameIsNeo: @Trinity!Surprise! whoa.
MorpheusOfTheHair: @MyNameIsNeo What are you waiting for? My hair to grow?
AgentSmith: @MyNameIsNeo Missstttterr Aaaandddderrsonnnn
Trinity!Surprise!: lol, will never happen RT MorpheusOfTheHair: @MyNameIsNeo What are you waiting for? My hair to grow?
MyNameIsNeo: @Trinity!Surprise! lol
TheArchitect: vis a vis. ergo.
AgentSmith: @MyNameIsNeo Like what I've done to the place?
MyNameIsNeo: @AgentSmith It ends tonight.
AgentSmith: @MyNameIsNeo I know it does. The Oracle tweeted about it last week.
AgentSmith: @MyNameIsNeo I have but 140 characters, so just imagine an epic speech here.
AgentSmith: @MyNameIsNeo About why you're fighting, vagaries of perception, all that stuff.
AgentSmith: @MyNameIsNeo So, why do you keep fighting?
MyNameIsNeo: @AgentSmith Because I choose to.
MikeTheKid: omg neo u r so kewl!!!! RT MyNameIsNeo: @AgentSmith Because I choose to.
AgentSmith: @Everybody This is my world! My world!
Smith1: RT AgentSmith: @Everybody This is my world! My world!
Smith2: RT Smith1: RT AgentSmith: @Everybody This is my world! My world!
MyNameIsNeo: @AgentSmith *kungfu*
AgentSmith: @MyNameIsNeo *kungfu*
MyNameIsNeo: @AgentSmith *defeated*
AgentSmith: @MyNameIsNeo :D
MyNameIsNeo: @AgentSmith LOL,NO.
AgentSmith: @MyNameIsNeo IT'S NOT FAIR
AgentSmith: *defeated*
ZionDailyNews: War is over! Party on! \o/
TheArchitect: moment of truth. irrevocably human. quintessential delusion. #tweetlikezq.
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