sideways from eternity

fanfic > kenselton hotel saga > adventures of the keanuspawn

Keanu Simulator!

Written by Anakin McFly

Welcome to Keanu Simulator!

You are Keanu Reeves, Hollywood movie star and the dark web's #1 cybercrime mastermind. You awake on a luxurious couch with various sexy limbs and dead koi draped over you, courtesy of the previous night's wine-soaked mass orgy and unsuccessful seafood barbeque. Stashed next to the couch is your collection of the latest technological gadgets and the state of the art computer that you use to play chess, look at cute pictures of motorcycles and play crazy games with women on the internet.

Above your head reads the letters 'S-I-N'. It's a very apt description for the current scene of decadent depravity. Why else would you put that up there? LOL. Come on, people. You scoff at the imagined dumb haters. Sometimes, you think they're so stupid that they wouldn't even realise that Alex Winter's The Dark Web was obviously about your secret life. You shake your head. This makes your head hurt, so you stop. Alcohol! you remember. Alcohol is fun but makes things go ow.

Everyone else is still asleep. You slowly extricate yourself from the sexy naked bodies and tumble off the couch, wincing at the pain that explodes behind your eyes as you hit the ground. Your hands flail blindly about, searching for your phone until you finally find it squashed beneath somebody's breasts. You pause, delight spreading across your famous features. Ahh, yes. You remember those breasts! You named the left one 'Bob' and the right one 'Fred'. You give Bob a happy, nostalgic fondle and retrieve your phone.

'ugossip.net', you select from your Favourites page, a bit slowly because your head hurts from the massive hangover.

'lol DRUNKK, MUCH SEXXX hags buttt gay BEEEEER', you type coherently into the message box. You read it over, a small, pensive smile tugging at your lips at the memories that slip ever so gently into your hurting consciousness. Yes; that sounds about right. You nod and tap 'continue', and then post, a sigh of relief escaping your lungs.

You accidentally drop your phone. It falls into your patchy beard and gets lost. You groan. You'll have to buy a new phone now. You've lost almost a dozen phones that way.

Now you're just lying on the carpet covered in disappointment and phones. You turn your head and see a dead koi. You are suddenly sad. That was your favourite koi. His name was John.

"John," you slur drunkenly. You reach out a hand and pat him. "Oh," you say, realising that John is dead. Agony creases your face. "Oh no. John. Johnnn..."

You weep, tears rolling down your cheeks and into your beard. Well, that's it for the phones. They don't go well with water. You think about going to ugossip to post about it, but then remember that you don't have your phone. This makes you cry even harder.

One of the sexy naked bodies stirs on the ground. The woman sleepily opens her eyes. She looks like she also has a hangover. You can't remember her name. You're not sure if you'd asked. You're not even sure if you invited her, or if she'd helicoptered onto the roof and got in through the courtyard like that other time. You'd killed that one as part of your method acting training for John Wick. You'd paid Erwin one gold coin to cover it up. He didn't know it was just a prop LOL. Oh wait, maybe that was why he was angry and cancelled the 32 year contract.

The woman blinks blearily at you. "Keanu?" she asks. "You're... you're crying. Oh. Oh no! What happened... oh no... no..."

She crawls over to you in distressed concern, tears slipping sensuously from her eyes in empathy. She strokes your face, kissing your tears away, her soft feminine hands tangling in your manly beard until- oh.

She pulls out a phone. You stop crying. Your eyes light up. "You found it!" you gush. No... this isn't the phone you just lost, but an older one. And not just any older one! With a gasp, you recognise the wedding anniversary gift that David bought for you, many years ago. You take the phone gingerly from the unknown woman's hand. You'd never thought you'd ever see it again. But yes... there it is, scratched on the back so that there'd never be any doubt: "Geffen + Reeves 5eva!!!"

"Thank you," you whisper to the woman and any listening stalkers, beaming beatifically from ear to ear. "Oh, thank you!"

She smiles vaguely, not entirely sure what's happening.

You give her a fish.



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