Thee Exkwisitte Artte of Table-Settinge and Flowere-Arranginge

Written by Anakin McFly

Dramatis Personae: David Allen Griffin, Tom Ludlow, Ted Logan, Klaatu, Jjaks Clayton, Alex Wyler, Marlon James, Conor O'Neill

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A table sits against a wall. On it lies several neat piles of flower-arranging material – scissors, bendy wires, glue, and other such stuff. Next to them are placed several freshly-cut stalks of flowers of varying kinds. Next to that are a neat stack of cutlery and plates. There is no spoon.

The door lock clicks shut, the sound echoing slightly in the high-ceilinged room. Right at the tip of its pyramidal ceiling hangs a shiny chandelier.

Alex Wyler looks at the envelope in his hands and opens it; he pulls out three sheets of paper and looks at the top one. "Round #41," he reads. "Thee Exkwisitte Artte of Table-Settinge and Flowere-Arranginge."

Marlon has wandered over to the table. He picks up the glue pot and sniffs it. He stays there for quite some time.

Conor hops around on one foot, tilted slightly to one side.

Klaatu: *stares at him*
Conor: I've got water in my ear.
Klaatu: *stares*
Conor: ...Please stop staring.

"You've got to be kidding me," Ludlow says, reading the instruction sheet.

"THREE!" booms a voice.

"WHAT THE F*** IS THIS?" Ludlow demands.

"TWO!"

"It's Thee Exkwisitte Artte of-"

"ONE!

"-Table-Settinge and Flowere-Arranginge," Jjaks replies.

"GO!"

Red numbers appear and start counting down.

Griffin goes over to the table. He picks up a flower and looks at it, running his finger down its stalk... He smiles.

"So what do we have to do?" Jjaks asks, as Ludlow attempts to break down the door amidst loud swearing.

Klaatu: *stares*
Conor: This was your idea, wasn't it?
Klaatu: *stares*
Conor: *edges away, hitting at his ear*
Griffin: *picks up a second flower* *thinks* *picks up a piece of wire and binds the two stalks together*
Alex: Okay, we're supposed to split up into two groups. One does the table setting and the other does the flower arranging.

Ludlow: I'm not arranging any f**king flowers.
Alex: You're in the table-setting group, then.
Ludlow: Why the f*** are you going along with this?
Alex: Do you have a better idea?
Ludlow: What can they do to us if we don't?

"BAD THINGS," said the voice from the speakers.

Griffin: *hums* *chooses a nice vase* *puts the two bound flowers in, and surveys the pile for another good combination*
Ted: *misses Bill*
Marlon: *still sniffing glue*

Conor: What are you trying to do to us, you alien freak?
Klaatu: Your quick descent into hostility has been duly noted.
Conor: ...sorry, I can't hear you. I've got water in my ear.

Griffin: *hums* *measures two flower stalks* *takes the scissors* *snips a bit off one to make it slightly shorter* *smiles*
Jjaks: Nice flowers.
Griffin: Thanks. It's for Officer Traven. :)
Jjaks: ...

Alex: Tom, just get the cutlery and set it.
Ludlow: ...Are you telling me what to do?
Alex: *raises his hands in surrender and backs off*
Griffin: *attempts to take the glue pot from Marlon*
Marlon: *looks at him*
Griffin: Can I have the glue?
Marlon: Why?
Griffin: I'm trying to glue these stalks together.
Marlon: *looks at glue pot*

Ludlow: If whoever it is thinks they can keep us in here, they're mistaken. *body-slams door again*
Door: :(
Klaatu: You are a violent species.
Ludlow: Shut the f*** up or you'll never see Mars again.
Conor: IAWTC.
Klaatu: I have never been to Mars. I represent a group of civilisations-
Ludlow: *body-slams door*
Door: *collapses*
Klaatu: You are making a grave mistake.
Ludlow: *glares*Am I?

Griffin: *hums* *borrows glue pot from Marlon* *glues stalks together* *returns glue pot to Marlon* :)
Marlon: *continues sniffing glue*

Ludlow: ...Why are you all just standing there?
Alex: I don't think-
Ludlow: Yeah, you don't. You know what? Go on arranging your pretty flowers. I'm going home. *stalks out door*

Alex: :\

Klaatu: You are strongly discouraged from emulating Detective Ludlow's behaviour. Of course, your frail human intellect cannot understand-
Klaatu: *is distracted by Conor still hopping around and whacking at his ear*
Jjaks: Conor, just leave it. The water'll come out eventually.
Conor: *whacks at ear* What?
Jjaks: ...Never mind.

Ted: Do we follow him?
Alex: *looks at Klaatu* What happens if we leave?
Klaatu: As Detective Ludlow has just done, you will strongly reinforce the idea that the human species is incapable of obeying simple instructions. If you cannot control yourself enough for a mere half an hour, the only logical conclusion is that you will not be able to do the same for a wider span of time. It will become obvious that your race is doomed to an oblivion fuelled by reckless excess and no self-control or concern for yourselves and this planet, and we will have no choice but to save you from this fate by the only means we know how.
Ted: You're going to kill us?
Klaatu: Yes.
Ted: No way!
Klaatu: Yes way.
Ted: Bogus. :(
Conor: ...the fate of the human race rests with us?
Klaatu: I see that you have regained full use of your aural faculties.
Conor: *whacks at ear* What?
Klaatu: *stares*
Conor: ok please don't stare... ARRGGGGH! *turns away from him and goes off towards the flower-arranging table, where Griffin has created a rather decent vase of flowers*

Conor: *stares at Griffin's flowers*
Griffin: :)
Conor: *points*Okay what-
Griffin: Do you like them?
Conor: ... *goes off to the empty unset-table and sinks into a chair looking dazed and confused*

Alex: Okay, Klaatu, look, there are some things that we need to get straight here.
Klaatu: I don't see what you mean.
Alex: As long as you're not in your world, you're just one of us. You're human too.
Klaatu: Only my body is.
Alex: *mental facepalm* Yeah, maybe, but that's all that matters here. You're no different from-
Klaatu: *stares at Conor and levitates him into the air*
Conor: ARRRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Alex: !! HEY, PUT HIM DOWN!
Klaatu: *rotates Conor about in the air*
Conor: ARRRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Klaatu: As you can see, I still have my powers.
Conor's Ear: pop!
Conor: ARRG- *realises his ear is clear* :D *realises he's still flailing in the air* -GGHHHHH!!!

Jjaks: *runs towards the general vicinity of Conor in hopes that he could catch him if he falls*
Jjaks: *realises this means he might be squished*
Jjaks: *backs off*

Alex: Klaatu, please-
Klaatu: *raised eyebrow*
Alex: Put him down. Slowly.
Klaatu: Why do you care about his well-being? He is far from a morally upstanding member of your race. Neither has he achieved anything significant in his life. There are in fact a fair number of people who will be pleased if he is mortally wounded or dead.
Conor: I'LL KILL YOU, YOU F**KING ALIEN!!!!
Klaatu: *flips Conor upside down*
Conor: ARRRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Griffin: *calmly watches*
Alex: Just-
Jjaks: *reaches out in attempts to grab Conor's hand and pull him down*
Klaatu: I cannot help but wonder if you would be half as concerned about him if he did not so closely resemble you in physical appearance.
Conor: GO TO HELL, YOU F**KING ALIEN!!!!
Klaatu: *raises eyebrow*
Alex: Let him go, Klaatu. Please.
Klaatu: *stares*
Alex: Please.
Klaatu: *reluctantly lowers Conor back to the ground*

Conor: *scrambles to his feet and rushes at Klaatu, yelling incoherently*
Alex: *grabs him* Conor, chill.
Conor: LET ME GET HIM!
Alex: I'm sorry, but the fate of the human race is at stake.
Conor: YOU WANT ME TO PUNCH YOUR FACE IN, WYLER?

Klaatu: *shakes head and trudges off to a corner to watch the antics of the amusing humans*
Ted: *looks at Klaatu*
Klaatu: *stares at Ted*

Jjaks: *grabs Conor's fist before it connects with Alex's nose* Calm down, Conor.
Conor: HOW CAN I CALM DOWN WHEN THAT THING IS IN THIS ROOM?

Griffin: *hums* *sets the table, starting with his vase of flowers as the centrepiece*
Marlon: *has fainted from too much glue-sniffing*
Griffin: *hums* *steps over Marlon and continues setting the table* *adjusts a fork* :)
Griffin: *wonders where the spoons are* :\

Klaatu: *stares at Conor*
Conor: ... ... *collapses onto floor and gazes blankly at ceiling*
Alex: ...Conor?
Conor: *covers face with hands*
Alex: Hey.
Conor: go away i hate you.

Klaatu: *watches with scientific interest*
Griffin: *rummages amongst flower-arranging stuff* *still can't find the spoons* :(

Group From Next Door, Out of Their Identic Clothes And Wondering Why the Door Has Been Bashed Down But Everyone Is Still Inside The Room: *arrive in doorway, register fainted!Marlon and on-floor!Conor and spoon-hunting!Griffin and wonder what just happened*
Utah: Uh, are you guys done with whatever you were supposed to do?

Adam: Puh. It is obvious they are not. They were tasked with learning Thee Exkwisitte Artte of Table Settinge and Flower Arranginge, and instead they are lying on the floor. *notices Griffin and his flowers and the set but spoonless table* Although that one... there is hope for him.

Griffin: *notices Jack* *picks up vase of flowers* *goes to Jack* *gives him flowers* I made these for you. :)
Jack: .......................
Griffin: You don't like them? :(
Jack: What are you playing at?
Griffin: :(

Klaatu: These creatures are useless.
Adam: Yes. They are.

Jjaks: *prods Conor with his foot*
Conor: ngggh.

Utah: ...anyway, back to business. Alex, can we drop by your place? We wanna chuck Mr. Reeves into the lake.
Alex: Why?
Kevin: For all of this.
Neo: Yeah.
Connie: *smokes*

Alex: *hesitates* *surveys scene* ... All right. Let's go.

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