The Mythos of Keanu
(Written by Scintallus. Edited, typed and used without permission by Anakin McFly, who hopes that he won't notice and/or won't mind, 'cause we're family and all...)
In the beginning there was darkness, and it was boring. Thus we shall fast-forward to five billion years ago.
Out of the shell of his egg crawled a Keanu onto the sludge. He looked around and saw the Earth around him.
"Whoa," he said. The First Word.
"Oh bother," he said next, because he was British.
(Noobs will argue that the Earth did not exist five billion years ago, let alone Britain. They know nothing. Britain existed five billion years ago, as did Buckingham Palace and Queen Victoria, although she was quite young then.)
The Keanu looked down at his hands and feet and saw that it was covered in primordial sludge, which was icky and could not be eaten.
"Bogus," he said. The Fourth Word.
Then he proceeded to completely pwn the Flying Spaghetti Monster and his midgit. After that, the Keanu discovered the secrets of binary fission, and in no time he and his kin – known as KCs – populated the entire universe and made up most of it.
It was around that time that things first became opaque. Before this, everything was see-through, even Buckingham Palace and Queen Victoria. After the universe was populated with KCs, things became opaque for the simple reason that there were KCs all over it, and KCs are, by nature, opaque.
Keanus are known more commonly as KCs. They come in many different sizes: from the tiniest non-existent ones to the largest one, which we know as our universe. The others – the most common of which are two-and-a-half-inches tall – are all around you, but you don't notice them because your brain is too used to them and simply saves you the trouble by preventing the images from reaching your conscious mind.
KCs are cannibalistic creatures and will feed on each other to grow. Legend mentions one of them in particular which preyed in larger amounts than normal on its fellow comrades. This caused it to grow at alarming proportions at the expense of its friends/food, and it became known as the Monumental Folly KC. Rumours say that it then ran off to Hollywood, took up the surname 'Reeves' and went into acting.
Most KCs don't like the Monumental Folly KC. After all, it did eat up most of their peers. As a result, some of them resort to dastardly acts like sabotaging camera equipment and messing around with video footage of MFKC's movies, such that it makes him appear to be a bad actor and people make fun of him.
KCs are obsessive-compulsive bungee jumpers. They exist to bungee jump (and so why one of them strayed from this path to go into acting, no one knows). In fact, the smaller KCs are made up of only two cells: their body, and their bungee-jumping rope. (The larger ones eventually develop brain spaces. These are often filled with interesting things like dead flies.)
KCs are also obsessive-compulsive ferris-wheel riders. If they see a ferris wheel nearby, they have to ride it. It is a sad but true fact that many KCs have lost their lives riding broken ferris wheels.
KCs are also used widely in some countries as slave labour. In Singapore, five KCs die every day from being chained to printers and forced to print endless copies of school newsletters.
KCs enjoy taking up lodging in people's hair (and sometimes ears). Unfortunately, this sometimes results in them being mistaken for hair lice.
KCs enjoy chirping. This is their main form of communication, although most of them are able to understand English.
Most KCs eat and drink through their ears and breathe through their feet – which is why they don't like walking in areas with birdshit on the ground. In times of distress, they withdraw to an icebox, which is a large source of comfort for them. Radioactive iceboxes are, however, another issue altogether.
Some people have come up with ways to use the smaller KCs as cutlery. This involves a good deal of genetic engineering: their mouths are made bigger, their bodies stiffer (and sometimes edible), their teeth blunter and their mouth saliva-free. How they work is this: You stick a piece of KC-cutlery head-first into your food, first opening its legs to operate the mouth-opening mechanism. When it's head is in the food, close its legs, and its mouth will close over the food. Lift up the KC and operate its mouth accordingly to get the food into your mouth. (If it says "Ow," any time during this process, the food may be too hot.)
In the case that the food does not taste too good, it might be due to the KC forgetting to brush its teeth. Give it a good scolding. If it cries, send it off to an icebox and it'll be fine in a moment.
Recently, several KCs wrote, directed and starred in a hit television series entitled 'Euthanasia'. Each episode revolves around a basic plot premise – a KC lies in bed, about to die, and then a bunch of KCs come up to it and stab it to death with knives. The best episode ever, according to the KCs, was the one with the guest appearance by Bruce Willis.
'Euthanasia' went on to win several awards, inclusive of three Keanus for acting, directing, and Bruce Willis' guest appearance. It also won a Razzie award for special effects, seeing as how there were none.
Encouraged by their success in their first forays into filmmaking, the science-fiction drama, 'Peach Halves', is slated for release next year.