Wall of Shame

donnie barksdale

There are trees growing in my backyard that can act better than Keanu Reeves.

cableaddict on his amazing trees

Gilbert Gottfried, Danny DeVito or a slice of half-baked cornbread could do a better job of acting.

capncrusty on the acting abilities of cornwheat

I cannot see KR playing my intellectual superior. I would keep waiting for him to say "Dude!"

Dances_with_Weasels on unrequited expectations

Believe it or not, the term "cardboard" or "wooden" to describe an actor or performance did not originate with people describing the wonderful performances of Keanu Reeves. He kind of owns it now, though.

Quesazilla being disappointed with linguistic history

Keanu Reeves as Klatuu? Pardon me, I'm going to step in front of a working interociter. Reeves is, at best, a vapid actor with no interior life, the exact opposite of the cool, calculating and reasoning Klatuu. Horrible casting choice, but not surprising in the contemporary market.

sher-24, who has yet to step in front of a working interociter

Keanu Reeves has the charisma of a mud wall on his best day.

mrsolo1 educating us on previously unknown qualities of mud walls

Why on earth should the talented Cruise team up with one of the worst american actors i've ever seen - mr Reeves?

millenniumgroup, who thinks that everyone is American

Keanu Reeves is an Ugly Mass of Shlogged Bones!

Yes! i used to like him once, but this lasted before I saw the lustful guys of Brad Pitt, Mel Gibson and Kevin Costner, I also think Tom Cruise is OK. From then I began to hate this Keanu(when I came to know that he was born in Beirut - Lebanon). I now think that he is not even cute, but i think he's kinda ugly guy that does not even come close to Tom Cruise. I used to write suff as "I love Keanu" but that lasted till I saw, pointbreak, that meant a proof of his ugly looks. I realized also that he has an ugly boyish, kind of body! Come on Girls! Wake up! Wakos! Keanu has no body, he's just bones. Kevin Costner, Mel Gibson and Brad pitt are the handsomest for me! i also love T.Cruise though he is sort of a short sized figure. Keanu is an Asshole! I hate Arab People, with all my heart! especially when born in places such as Lebanon- (that means the word SPERM in our Maltese Language (libanon)- I also think he is sorta gay guy. Puk on him puuuuuuuuukkkkkjjjjjjjjjj. the Place BEIRUT makes me think of Keanu is a child Rapist. Because that what Arab People are! So for those who love Keanu Reeves - GET OVER IT... or you must be fuqin headed...


Graziella Borg proving that the Internet is a bizarre place

Alex winter completely carried him in the Bill and Ted movies.

excellentKurt making a completely non-excellent comment

Acting is acting. The only time it has been woefully painful to watch for me was enduring Keanu Reeves's foray into idiocy in "Dracula". Reeves should have had the blood sucked out of his body long before he ever opened his mouth - not only in that film but all others before and ever after.

ClaireDePlume, acknowledging Keanu's immortality but displaying a disturbing passion for blood drainage

I don't know how many times it needs to be said - Keanu Reeves CANNOT play anything besides a talentless hack love interest in a gay romantic comedy, or a moronic buddy in a comedy aimed at fat townie maintenance men.

Doc Holliday expressing his frustration at Keanu's lack of involvement in gay romantic comedies

Keanu Reeves is a retarded eskimo from 19th century Canada.

Leon-Scott-Kennedy, who is forgiven for getting Keanu's nationality partly right

not trying to be original just saying i have see better acting from a walnut i am sorry if that upsets you but its true

bobsthemaner, whose favourite past-times include watching walnuts act

Worst. Scuba-diver. Ever.

nancloutier of the Keanu SWAT Team, proving that we do not believe Keanu completely incapable of incompetence

He's got the personality and acting abilities like that of dried cement.

resnik, further extending our list of seemingly-inanimate objects recently discovered to have acting capabilities

KR has all the charisma and acting skills of a kumquat.

owl92, following up with yet another..

I just happen to think that Keanue isn't suited for Shakespeare and stuck out like a sore Jar Jar.

bigmack88, who is forgiven for bringing into the world the mental image of a sore Jar Jar

As Gort, MAYBE. As a paperweight on somebody's desk, why not? As Klaatu, ARE YOU &$%*&@ING KIDDING??!!!

BoxOfficePoison, who has forever altered the way I look at paperweights

Keannu is a talentless hack nobody. A total wet wednesday. an autistic dumb-dumb with stupid low's and a giant forhead which makes him like apish, like a caveman, a primitive being, the primordial form of man... he is like a hedgehog, always warding off others with spikes to protect himself. total intimacy issues here folks. i mean how old is he? and what, no wife, or even gf? what is he one of them gays? i mean i dont got no problem with gays. whole worlds turned cosmopolitan. it's all thanks to women, who accept gay guys for who they are. hmm. it's a shame really. first a darkie in president - and what next? *beep* *shudders*. and back to keannu... what kinda career is this? animatrix? bill and ted? that one about premonitions starring kate blanchett. horrible nobody with no change. and that supid beard of his. and long hair. and stoner "tripped out" attitude. ppl think he's good looking? he's asian. look at the eyes! eww. (vomit, anyone?) and his scrawny body. gross. too gross. and i bet he's uh.. small.. if ya know what i mean... lol.. i can just tell aye. but im a guy and im not gay. and that stupid movie about "growing up" which had steve martin, that white haired geek nobody. keannu always bounces his head to invisible music and walks around like he's stoned and finally "getting it". keannu needs to grow up and realise his fanbase is dwindling and unless he cashes himself an oscar soon, he's toast. goodbye. he's easily replaced by jeff goldlum IMO.

21Days making a good case for the eradication of humanity

Keanu Reeves has always been a terrible actor and always will be.

discipline being depressingly pessimistic

Odds of Keanu Reeves showing emotional range? The man has the emotional range of granite.

otter68, giving our little petrean friends what is probably the highest compliment they will ever receive

Fag fag fag fag fag fag.

An anonymous poster enthusiastically affirms the sexual orientation of a K-SWAT member


SALEMS-LOT, who thinks that no canoes is good canoes, like Reeves canoe

Keanu is a talentless, limp little douche of a man with all the charisma of a sack of onions.

Quesazilla, who at least admits Keanu's charisma outshines that of a single onion


msilva7-1, who is forgiven because it's relatively original and made me laugh

He's not good looking, he's not believable, he's not a great actor, he is not notorious for playing great characters.

novastar_6 reminding us at WINM that it's Opposite Day today!

Keanu Reeves has the charisma and likability of a greasy cauliflower.

chamelion7, who evidently isn't cooking his cauliflower right. Cauliflower cooked correctly should be firm but juicy, not greasy and full of charisma and likeability

Am I the only one who notices that Keanu couldn't act to save his life...he has a mono-tone nasaly voice"...hooonnnnnk honnnnk like a goose

sTAR, doing a horrible impression of a goose

And whether or not Keanu is as good of an actor as the original... he has zero MYSTERY, which is a main component.

JimBobCooter; the jury is still out on whether he's just an alternate universe fish, or if it's just Opposite Day! again

Keanu should be shot. As if Constantine wasn't enough of an insult. Fuck him, I say.

Knuckleduster displaying a rather disturbing passion for fatal gay sex

I'm not even sure he could master the subtlety and depth of emotion needed to portray Gort.

Beaubelle being a prick

With Keanu, of course it'll suck!!

lt226400 advertising the new range of Keanu vacuum cleaners

an actor that has just about as much depth as an eggcorn

jonletter, whom I thank for teaching me a new word today

jeez, that dude can't act for shit!!!!

alienindisguise being correct: Keanu doesn't act for shit, he acts for money

Keanu would make a good robot, he acts like one in all his other movies.

killeralienn, who needs to watch films other than Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey. Although Keanu wasn't a good robot in there. He was an evil one

Anyone else thinks watching Keanu act is like watching a block of wood dance?

adam_deveney, who fails to appreciate the gravity of the situation - they've gone mobile

If keanu reeves is in this movie someone will get hurt. that is a promise mother fucker.

chris, whom police should start keeping a very close eye on

How the hell did he get famous?! He sucks at everything!

Are you ppl blind?! He is not and was not ever hot! EWW! He's so fugly! He has the creepiest and beadiest eyes ever! Oh gross, I cannot believe he got voted one of Ppl mag's 50 most beautiful ppl! What was wrong with them?! True beautiful men are men like Johnny Depp, I mean he's almost 44 and look at him he's so gorgeous! And then look at Denzel Washington, he's 53 and he's hot! And then there's Jared Leot, he's almost 36 and he's smokin'! Those are examples of beautiful men, Keanu, on the othr hand, uh no! And he sucks at acting and music too!

I wonder why the hell are you having a picture of the month for Keanu Reeves? EWW! He is so not attractive! You should stop waisting your time on looking at pics of him and his beady eyes, and you go gah gah over pics of Johnny Depp and/or Jared Leto, now there's something to go gah gah over. Oh yeah! Just trying to save you from burning your eyes out of your sockets from looking at Keanu, no need to thank me. =D I'm serious your eyes are gonna burn out of your sockets from looking at him, so when they do don't come crying to me.

Keanu does not rock, I mean just ask his band, do you need me to explain to you why they didn't make it very far, I think not. Keanu sucks! His band sucks! His acting sucks! and his looks suck! So he just sucks all around! Now I'll tell you a brilliant actor and that's Johnny Depp, he's got true talent. Not Keanu Reeves, he has no talent! So HA!

Now I'll tell you who a great actor is and that's Johnny Depp, he's got true talent, he's amazing, and he's gorgeous! Keanu sucks, and he's ugly!

– The compiled quotes of gerdola2002, for whom we would like to apologise to all Johnny Depp fans.

What will ruin this movie though is having Keanu Reeves as Klaatu. He has the emotional range and acting ability to play Gort, or a streetlight. That would suit this film much better.

JollyMon_72 praising Keanu's acting ability, for not every human can convincingly portray a robot or a streetlight

he sucks in general not only as an actor but as a person. his personality is as interesting as a tree branch

TheVannieShow, receiver of blowjobs and grower of plants with attitude

The only movies He "acts" in is the classic Bill & Ted movies....lol, but I guess that was the alchol and drugs helping him out...

moonfog, whose little slip in capitalisation implies that Keanu is God

The man has all the acting ability of an ironing board.

tryptych, who only got on the Wall because no one else has said 'ironing board' yet.

Lol! While watching the trailer I couldn't decide whether Keanu Reeves was acting as a piece of Teak , Cedar or Plywood.

Erik-Bloodaxe contemplates Keanu's range

If I were to pick an actor to be jealous of it would be one who actually has talent and good looks.

tom_mcclarey, mulling over whether to pick Keanu

Almost every roll he plays just like he played in bill and ted! He is like a walking, talking man in a comma.

mamba_27, on Keanu's bread hobbies and his favourite mode of transportation

he has the emotional expression of a teaspoon."

Callista, who forgets that there is no spoon. ...Wait, I saw what they did there

I'll bet you voted for George w. bush ,,,,,,,twice....his fans wont admit he sucks either. Just keep sitting there in the back of your basement licking your 8by10 glossy picture of keanu reeves."

sblackmagicwoman being wrong. I don't have a basement, and if I had a glossy picture of Keanu, the last thing I'd do would be to desecrate his image with my unworthy saliva

And Keanu's body language exclaims: "I rocked their asses and now I will lick my golden testicle that I hold now..."

RyanC describing the expressiveness of The Anu's body language. Curious minds would like to know more about that golden testicle

Find yourself some girl aged 12 through about 14 and ask her about Keanu. There is your answer, Dude."

Will, on how Keanu got famous. Funny, the last time I asked a girl aged 12 through 14 about Keanu, she said, "Who?" It was such a profound answer; kind of like 'Forty-two'. What does it mean? What is the question? Why is the tea gone?

He has done some Shakespeare and some stage work in an attempt to hone his chops for a future when he will not be very sexy at all.

Jason Pollock, who currently finds Keanu very sexy

Is Keanu even a mediocre actor? No.

Blofeld starts to see the light

The fact that the Matrix was good with Reeves in it, is a minor miracle, much like the sky raining frogs.

Captain Sensible being a pri- hang on, a frog just fell past my window

Keanu sucked in it BIG TIME! I mean big time. He was so awful his part should've been filmed on nitrate so it would disintergrate. But, the chemestry among all the other actors and the performances was wonderful.

Anglais doing a scientific analysis of Much Ado About Nothing

People love to give Keanu Reeves a hard time, but I'll bet he is staring blankly at his money and saying "Whoa!" while he hopelessly tries to remember the way to the bank.

EdgeRunner, who just lost his bet

Keanu fans on the internet are pretty much the worst people in the world, far worse than Hitler, who was the leader of Germany during the WWII era.

Quesazilla, breaking Godwin's Law. \o/

I just hate him. He goes in my instant death upon sighting book along with luminaries like Sarah Palin, Carrottop, and Bret Easton Ellis.

Gyrfalcon; seriously, these Death Sentence fish are just scary. Do the police know about them?

I had crappy professors in 3 seperate english courses make me write a paper about the matrix. If I ever see Keanu in real life I'm kicking him in the nuts. Then, as he's doubled over in pain, I'll kick him in the head to knock him over. Then it's ball stomping. If you think this is a bit much, you try sitting through that movie and writing 3 papers (longest was 10 pages) about it. Oh, I'll be bitter till the end of time.

nono.melon, another DS fish. Hey, I intentionally wrote a 13-page term paper about The Matrix, enjoyed every moment of it, got it selected for publication, and didn't emerge with any psychopathic urges

LOL Keanu reeves is one of the best actors ever? lol you probably dont know anything about movies

dodo-no, a lolfish who probably doesn't know anything about punctuation

Kee-ardboard Reeves - If you replaced him with a 6 foot 1 and a quarter cardboard cutout of himself and shook it when he spoke, no one would know the difference. Would save the studios a LOOOT of money. I'm sorry.. I just HAD to bring this up... It is a mystery why he is still working.. is he THAT good looking girls?

freestylin_goat getting Keanu's height exactly right

they make the movie around his acting... he doesn't actually move his mouth because he is so f*cking stupid that he is incapable of processing the fact that he is on camera trying to portray a role. if it wasn't for computer animation he would have over dosed on heroin drowning in a pool of his own worthless vomit years ago

This Is My Name overestimating the ability of a human being to drown in vomit while overdosing on heroin

If Keanu is involved in Watchmen I swear to God I will set fire to the Interwebs with my mind.

Sam G. revealing his secret superhero identity

Its pretty hilarious that everyone knows he's a terrible actor and most people hate him AND he has a stupid name, and yet he's still a major movie star. absurd.

King Of Versailles, speaking for the entirety of his kingdom. It is rather small

keanu reeves has less facial expressions than a toaster.

moviemasterhart, who appears overly familiar with the expressive range of Cylons. Keep an eye on that one

Why anyone casts the walking slab of drywall for any role that requires the projection of any emotions besides: ... and ? is one of the great mysteries of life.

Hunger Tallest Palin, who has yet to learn that the answer is 'Forty-two'

Keanu needs to be in Westerns, where his talents can really be taken advantage of. He would be an excellent fence post.

br1947 contemplating Keanu's brilliant ability for pulling off roles that most human actors cannot

your the keanu fan yet im the retard?

cairopimp07, summing up this wall