A Database of Fish
– TheWyleyOne in response to an Angry Fish
We refer to Keanu critics as fish. This was ckage's doing. Why this is so, none might ever know. Until then, fish they are, and fishermen are we who counter them.
This is a database of all the various types of fish that can be found in the World Wide Pond and the Great Beyond.
Authors of this page: Anakin McFly & ckage. Fish-naming courtesy of the whole Keanu SWAT Team.
(Quotes marked with a '(v)' are verbatim quotes from fish. The rest are paraphrases.)
The One-Post Fish | Tedfish | Neofish | The Reasonable Fish | Styxfish | Termites | The Supersac Fish (Trollfish) | The Lame Geek Fish | The Angry Fish | Whoafish | Alternate Universe Fish | lolfish | Shallow Water Fish | Clonefish | Blindfish | Masochistic Fish | Suicidal!Fish | Death Sentence Fish | Jeallyfish | Fish in The Nile | Dumbfish | Depp Water Fish | Eloquent!Fish | Cannibalistic Fish
1. The One-Post Fish
How to Recognise Them: These are solitary creatures whose mode of attack is of the hit-and-run variety. Their posts are often short and – to them – witty-sounding. Upon being met with any form of resistance or demands to explain themselves, One-Post Fish vanish and are never seen again.
How to Catch Them: Due to their elusive nature, it is near impossible to catch these fish. Any reply given will likely go unseen. If they're creative, stick them on the Wall of Shame. If not, just move on to another fishing spot.
Typical Remark: "He always plays Ted."
How to Recognise Them: This species has one marked difference from most of the others – some of these actually happen to be Keanu fans. What characterises them as a group is their insistence that Keanu has only ever had one good performance, that of Ted 'Theodore' Logan, and that every role of his since then has retained an essential Ted-ness – in other words, they claim he always plays Ted.
How to Catch Them: Bring up for their consideration the mental image of John Constantine doing the air guitar. If this does not pose any difficulty whatsoever for them, a psychiatric examination is probably in order.
Typical Remark: "He always plays Neo."
How to Recognise Them: The sworn enemies of the Tedfish, these little swimmers can be identified mainly by their really cool shades. Unfortunately, these shades also have a tendency to impair these fishes' eyesight, rendering them incapable of distinguishing any Keanu character from the introverted kung-fu-knowing Neo; even if they are as vastly different from The One as, say, Ted 'Theodore' Logan. So, what basically characterises them as a group is their insistence that Keanu has only ever had one good performance, that of Thomas 'Neo' Anderson, and that every role of his since then has retained an essential Neo-ness – in other words, they claim he always plays Neo.
How to Catch Them: Stick 'em in an aquarium filled with Tedfish, then sit back and watch the sparks fly. ckage insightfully predicts: "Ripped out fins and belly-up specimens in less than 8 minutes of brawl!! \o/" Sounds like fun.
4. The Reasonable Fish
How to Recognise Them: A rare species indeed, this is the only kind of fish that is actually willing to engage in an actual discussion free of random name-calling. They coherently and rationally share their opinions about the flaws in Keanu's acting, and are generally open to listening to our counterarguments, if any.
How to Catch Them: As this is an endangered species, fishing of them is banned. These fish are to be treated with respect and be allowed to share their views. We regret to say that some newer fishermen still try to catch them, but in time they will learn not to.
Typical Remark: "He's a nice guy but his acting sucks."
How to Recognise Them: Named after the IMDb poster styx8852, this species of fish claim that although Keanu is a wonderful person, this wonderfulness does not extend to his acting abilities. When challenged, they repeatedly emphasise the former point, expressing surprise when we are not swayed.
How to Catch Them: It's pretty hard to. They tend to bite back, calling us unreasonable.
Typical Remark: "Keanu is in reality a 2 by 4."
How to Recognise Them: While not strictly fish, these little insects certainly act like them. They are some of the most recognisable of fishkind (partly due to how they're not fish) for they see wood everywhere, even in places were none is to be found (e.g. Keanu).
How to Catch Them: Show them comparison pictures of Keanu and wood and hope that something clicks.
7. The Supersac Fish (Trollfish)
How to Recognise Them: Named after the IMDb poster supersac2003, the Supersac Fish (or Trollfish) is an unfortunate hybrid between the One-Post Fish and the Styxfish. These tend to drop by making posts whose explicit purpose is to rile up fans. Upon being challenged, they stubbornly stick to their firmly held opinions, filled with the idea that an excessive number of repetitions will allow them to win any argument.
How to Catch Them: There's not much point in it, I'm afraid, since they do not provide a satisfactory meal. If you feel like it, just stay by the pond and throw rocks at them for fun; they will not fight back.
8. The Lame Geek Fish
How to Recognise Them: The Lame Geek Fish thinks he's movie savvy, and goes out of his way to show it off to the rest of the Lame Geek Fish school by exhibiting a vast array of common place tirades perceived as significant by the rest of the school. The social status of a Lame Geek Fish individual in that pack can be visibly identified by the outside observer: the larger the array of common places, the higher that individual is positioned in the social ladder. This situation leads to the phenomena where the desperate Lame Geek fish newcomer shoots out common places as fast and as randomly as possible, in order to try and boost their social status. They are usually very prolific in cult-film ponds, such as the Constantine Pond, or the TDTESS Pond.
How to Catch Them: The methods are still under scrutiny. One probable method for the catch is to point out flaws in their common places; however, this method is not full proof, since the Lame Geek Fish has the tendency to leave the premises fuming in disbelief (sic.: OMGWTFWhatever.), or dismiss the flaws as jokes (sic.: OMGWTFYour kidding! Hahaha!).
9. The Angry Fish
How to Recognise Them: These are easily recognised by their love of long paragraphs filled with run-on sentences and excessive exclamation marks. Their posts are also often riddled with English mistakes and blatantly incorrect facts.
How to Catch Them: Behave in a manner opposite to theirs. Use short or average-length paragraphs, type carefully to avoid mistakes, and debunk their points with correct facts, a calming tone, and the assurance of knowing that you are completely right about Keanu not being an Arabian child rapist.
How to Recognise Them: Brightly coloured, exclamatory and with a tendency towards limited vocabulary, these fish are the ones who insist that Keanu is just like them. Happily they throw out what they consider accurate imitations of Keanu-speak, which to them means dialogue ridden with the word 'whoa'.
How to Catch Them: Treat them to a long extract of true Keanu-speak. Most likely their mental faculties would prove too inadequate to understand most of it, resulting in their incapacitation in the pond; whereupon it will be easy to pick 'em out of the water and fry them for a tasty meal.
11. Alternate Universe Fish
Typical Remark: "There's no way that Keanu can pull off playing an emotionless monotone alien. He's too American."
How to Recognise Them: These fish appear to come from an alternate universe in which Keanu is a much different person from the one we know and love.
In this universe, Keanu is firstly a white American: born in America, bred in America, endowed with traditional all-American good looks of blue eyes and natural blond hair (which he obviously dyed), he is someone who could be easily taken for a regular American guy off the streets. In addition, he exudes human warmth and emotion on screen, a highly modulated voice, and makes perfect sense to all who meet him.
Further investigation into the nature of these fish have brought up the possibility that some are really just fishermen in disguise trying to be funny. However, a fair number of these fish appear to be the genuine deal.
How to Catch Them: Don't. Leave them to the other fish. They'll get torn apart in moments. Also, seeing as how they are from a different universe, they might not agree with local stomachs.
Typical Remark: "lol, come on guys! u cant possibly mean too tell me that u missed him all this time, and like his acting... lol" (v)
How to Recognise Them: An excess of lols, which some of them consider an appropriate form of punctuation.
How to Catch Them: With roflcopters and lollerskates. Rofl rofl rofl rofl lol lol lol lol lol
13. Shallow Water Fish
Typical Remark: "He can't act and I think he's probably a jerk but I watch all his movies because he's hot."
How to Recognise Them: A particularly unpleasant branch of the Styxfish genus, Shallow Water Fish do not even consider Keanu to be a wonderful person. They do however share the same low opinion of his acting skills, and have a greater commitment than regular Styxfish to watching as many of Keanu's films as they can lay their fins on. Sadly, this usually does not extend to watching the interviews as well, hence their opinion of him as, for example, an Arabian child rapist who spends his life frivolously indulging in multi-million-dollar luxury goods.
SWF can usually be found on various Keanu message boards and fansites innocently suggesting various atrocities against humanity that he may have committed, and for some reason think that them punctuating each post with exclamations of how hot he is would excuse them from facing the counterarguments against whatever they claim.
Remarkably, most of them consider themselves to be fans.
Milder varieties of the SWF don't share their peers' belief that The Anu is an utterly degenerate person, and merely think that he can't act. Occasionally, this extends to a belief that Keanu is of way-below-average intelligence, and they claim they find this adorable because he would be easy to trick into getting into bed with them.
How to Catch Them: Present them with hard facts to counter the inaccuracies they use to support their twisted fantasies. Alternatively, you could poke them with a stick.
Typical Remark: "All of Keanu's characters are exactly alike!!!!11"
How to Recognise Them: A close relation of the Tedfish, Clonefish are a pretty unique species – unlike the rest of the animal kingdom, members of these species are all complete mental clones of each other, while looking very different physically. They think alike, they behave alike, they swim alike, they get caught alike; however, some are purple, some are green, some are Barney; some have legs, others have fins; some are three apples high, others give blue whales a run for their money. A sad effect of this is that when these fish are exposed to the greater world, they conclude that creatures with similar physical characteristics are therefore exactly the same as each other.
These fish then watch Keanu's movies, realise that the faces of all his characters kind of look the same, and from there draw the logical conclusion that all of his characters are exactly alike.
How to Catch Them: Kind of hard. You can't fault Clonefish logic, really; most of them seem completely impervious to the mental image of Ted Logan getting drunk and hitting people with phonebooks.
Typical Remark: "Keanu has only ONE expression in all his films." (v)
How to Recognise Them: It's pretty easy to spot these highly-myopic fish. Apart from being a psychedelic neon green with bright pink spots (mostly to facilitate fellow Blindfish being able to see them and not bump into them), these are instantly recognisable by their claims that Keanu has only ever displayed one expression. (What this one expression is, exactly, is usually never mentioned; curiously enough, on the rare occasions when they do mention what that one expression is, they sometimes contradict their fellow Blindfish.) Occasionally, mutated versions of Blindfish go as far as to concede that he may have as many as three separate expressions, but such mutants are rare and may possibly be used as lucky charms, like you do with four-leaved clovers.
How to Catch Them: Be kind; do them a favour and spare the trouble to help them schedule a visit to their local optometrist. Glasses are useful things, and being able to see different expressions on people's faces is a useful skill that will help one get far in life.
16. Masochistic Fish
How to Recognise Them: At first glance they seem to defy logical explanation – these fish rant on and on about how much they hate Keanu, and then go through a list of most of his films explaining in detail just how he sucked in each one. It seems that these fish are inexplicably drawn to The Anu by some sort of mysterious, mystical force that forces them to watch most of his films despite their claims of being unable to stand the sight of his face.
Occasionally, these fish have seen more Keanu films than we his hardcore fans and defenders have. This is only proof of how screwed up the universe is. We can only conclude that these fish either secretly like him, or have some pretty scary masochistic tendencies that should be looked at by a trained psychotherapist before it's too late.
How to Catch Them: Break into their aquariums and steal their Keanu movie DVDs. Perchance they might start to realise how much they want 'em back and come to realise that they do, in fact, like the guy.
Typical Remark: "If Keanu Reeves is in this, I'm going to kill myself." (v)
How to Recognise Them: The kamikaze of the sea, these are the fish who would go so far as to kill themselves in order to demonstrate just how much they don't like Keanu. It's kind of sad, really.
How to Catch Them: Stand by, wait for them to die, then pick 'em out of the water and have a nice fish dinner.
18. Death Sentence Fish
Typical Remark: "If keanu reeves is in this movie someone will get hurt. that is a promise mother fucker." (v)
How to Recognise Them: Their name refers both to what they wish on Keanu and/or other people, and what they will receive if their wish is fulfilled, because in most countries, the penalty for murder is a death sentence. The less violent of these fish are usually content with merely hurting Keanu or others; the more extreme wish a painful death on The Anu. They are highly disturbing creatures not fit for mingling with human society, and should be locked up ASAP for the safety and mental peace of the community at large.
How to Catch Them: Dial 999 (or 991, or whatever other number, depending on what country you're from). Tell the nice folks who pick up the phone that someone has been issuing death threats on the Internet, and that they might like to keep an eye on that.
How to Recognise Them: Their posts are filled with a very palpable sense of jealousy at the awesomeness that is Keanu Charles Reeves. They realise that they will never be a quarter as awesome as him, and as a result choose to insult him in as many ways as possible in pitiful attempts to taint his awesomeness. The more intelligent ones eventually give up and become fans.
How to Catch Them: Feed them more points about how awesome Keanu is. Their heads will asplode. This will not solve the problem, but is amusing to watch.
20. Fish in The Nile
Typical Remark: "I think Keanu is a horrible actor, but I thought he was really good in this movie. And that movie. And that movie too. But his acting still sucks. Yeah."
How to Recognise Them: An obvious product of peer pressure, these fish feel the pressing need to quantify anything good they might think of Keanu with repeated reminders that they think his acting sucks... because if they didn't, they would be a fan. And as we all know, that's the worst possible thing a fish can be.
Typical Remark: "Kanu is dumb."
How to Recognise Them: A relation of the Tedfish, these are convinced that Mr. Reeves has an IQ lower than his BMI. We know this is definitely not the case – even when he's put on a few pounds – but many Dumbfish are incapable of seeing this. Many are also incapable of spelling correctly or creating coherent arguments, which does not say much for their own mental prowess.
How to Catch Them: Have pity on them. They try.
22. Depp Water Fish
Typical Remark: "Keanu sucks! Johnny Depp is a better actor! Johnny Depp is better looking! Johnny Depp makes better films! Johnny Depp is so much more awesome! Keanu sucks so much in comparison!"
How to Recognise Them: Rabid fish originating from the depths of the Johnny Depp ponds, these fish basically consider Mr. Depp to be the embodiment of all that is perfect and good, and consider any other actor (such as Keanu) to fall short of that standard of Depp-ness.
How to Catch Them: With depp-water nets. Alternatively, send the Depp fans in Keanu fandom over to talk some sense into 'em.
Typical Remark: "DieDieDieDieDie FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck FUCK! Fuck Fuck SHIT fuck." (v) – a fish upon learning that Keanu was cast as Spike in Cowboy Bebop
How to Recognise Them: Their highly verbose speeches, coupled with a vast and staggering vocabulary make this fish a dangerous species. Whatever we may think of to say can never be a match for the logic and calm rationality of of their carefully-thought out arguments.
How to Catch Them: Back off respectfully. This is out of your league.
24. Cannibalistic Fish
Typical Remark: "I'm boring. Very boring. No, really, I am." (v)
How to Recognise Them: 6'1'', black hair, brown eyes, Eurasian-looking, immortal, answers to the name of Keanu Charles Reeves.
How to Catch Them: We're still stumped on this one. Self-esteem classes might help.